2 a.m., again

Well, the boy with his dog awoke at 2 a.m. again, that is my super power. A 2 a.m. alarm that brings me to full awake. I lay there thinking of Her. Looking into those changing eyes hearing Her laugh. I think of my children. Are they sleeping well? What are they dreaming? How I would love to peek in on them as I did when they were younger. I think of roads behind and roads ahead, rough and smooth.I think of wolves, of bears, of birds, I think of trees. One in particular. I think of leaving, of packing. Of what I will leave behind, will I leave anything behind? Will I be remembered when I'm gone? Do I want to be? When I type of "gone" here, I refer to death. See how my mind leaps and soars into the weirdest corners of the room? I do so with a crayon, so I have been told. Like a two year old scribbling on the walls, I take off in every and any direction. It is no fault of mine, it's my brains'. So put him in time out, not me! I'm going outside to play!!! I think of my family, current and past. The trails I have walked and those yet to stroll upon, jump in my mind. New smells, old smells, sights, sounds, tastes. Running through my mind like a streaker at a football game, this way and that, being chased by the police of reason, these thoughts escape me. And the reason police for that matter! All these things bleed through staining the canvas of my mind.
And then I think: Whatever this boy and his dog encounter, She will be there, holding my hand, chasing behind me with a rag to remove the crayon from the wall. And now, I am smiling.

Relaxing sounds of nature....

It is 2:47 a.m. and here I sit trying to type this while the computer chair sinks slowly so I have to keep adjusting the height. There, pillows, done and done. Anyway, I just stepped outside and there is a light rain falling. I step into it and lift my face to the sky and listen. There is quiet! Not silence, but quiet. Crickets are chirping loudly, rain is falling on the leaves, there is no traffic, the sound of Bruno urinating...wait, yep, somehow even that is relaxing. All the tension seems to simply flow out of me. I enjoy the moment, the here, the now-ness of the moment. All is quiet, all is still inside me. A moment of peace, not thinking, just being. Standing barefoot in the rain, I feel myself as a part of a whole. A wondrous universe of being. I will try to meditate for a bit and then, perhaps, there will be SLEEP!
Stop and listen.

my mid-night ramblings

Hmmm, it is 1:44 in the a.m. and I up. I find this odd because I usually awake at 2a.m. and can't fall back asleep, no matter what time I go to bed. Perhaps the chip in my brain implanted by the aliens is going all wacky? I wonder, what kind of chip is it? Nacho cheese? A Pringle perhaps, or maybe a chili cheese Frito! Either way, I think it is on the blink. My furry companion, on the other hand, has eaten his chip, I'm sure....probably the alien as well.
The Vet. visit with him was a good one, though he also hates those tiny exam rooms. His follow up test for heart worms was negative and all appears healthy. Including his appetite! He now weighs in at 97.80 pounds. Not sure why the "0" is there other than to make him look even heavier, but hey, that's what the papers state. Veterinarians are a wonderful way to find out about how expensive it is to keep a pet healthy. Seriously, I love them. If only the pet insurance covered regular check-ups and visits, rather than "emergencies" only. I wonder if choking on a squirrel or duck is considered an "emergency"? Certainly it would to the duck or monkey-rat in the throat.
I have spent this past week, since Monday after arriving, or re-arriving, back at the house locked in my room for the most part. I have taken B out and fed him, gone to the bathroom, heck, I even showered a couple of times. All of this thanks to depression and anxiety. I have spent this time mostly sitting on staring at nothing. Television sucks, inter webz is stoopid with technology. So sit I have. Right now, I feel a little better. I hope to take our hike in the morning. I am certain that Bruno is ready to chew his paws off due to boredom, really, I saw him trying! He does have a large back yard to run in with the two other dogs that lag around here waiting to bark at things, but it is different from our walks.
I also have decided that this is probably my last full month here depending on money. I still need a -20 below rated sleeping bag and a three or four season tent and a few other things. These are not cheap. I can't just hop on down to Waly-weird and pick them up. So, I shall have to search on-line, purchase, and wait. I think that I have figured the Bruno food /space issue, I'll just have to travel lighter than expected to make room. As to where we will go...hell, I'm simply going to put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. I know where I would like to go, but am uncertain if things will pan out. I know, I couldn't wait for Spring could I? Just HAVE to go as the weather will be turning icky, which, by the way is a meteorological term to describe some weather in Texas. Other words include; crappy, hot f*cking hot, and REALLY f*cking hot! With the occasional freeze your privates off cold, even if you posses no privates, they will freeze off. Luckily, that happens about twice a year here, like snow on Easter.
I still have concerns about B's stamina, but we can take breaks. I am in no hurry, that I know of. I am hoping to have a junk,er, garage sale soon to rid myself of un-needed ...things. My problem is that I LIKE my crap! It has taken a while to acquire some of the oddities that I have, the rest of it can go though. I may end up selling blood and brain matter. Trust me, my brain matter is far more rare than gold, so the price should be good for it.
Ok, I'm through for now, I think, or do I?! I will sit and meditate until before sunrise, then I hope to drag B for an outing.

A Rant a.k.a. pissing and moaning.

There are a great many things that I consider myself, civilized is not one of those things. Hell, I am barely tame or domesticated. I have seen "civilized" people and see them on a daily basis, if even in the media via t.v. or the inter-webz, and I greatly dislike them. There is very damned little civilized about civilization. The rape of children, torture on national or religious beliefs, murder for shoes, a watch, $27.00, or for no reason at all. This is daily! DAILY, mind you. Every fucking day someone is butchering someone else! I am not speaking of killing to protect an innocent or loved ones or hell, even one's self. Just senseless deaths, day after day. Recently I watched a documentary of homicide detectives going about their jobs. In one instant they had to interview a SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY, the oldest of the three, that witnessed his mother being shot in the head while she was in the car with those 3 little children. These hardened men and women were crying after the interview with the child as he described his mother's brain matter being splattered on his face! No shit, I would cry as well. Oh, the reason of the murder? An argument over a man. What a wonderful reason to kill someone in front of their 3 children. All that suffering over a perceived disrespect. Hell, a person must first respect themselves before they can others! I recall a time when respect was EARNED through one's actions and morals. On how that person treated others. Not because they feel they demand respect! Not because of an inflated sense of self worth and importance. Humans should set aside their inflated egos and be mindful of the other people on this planet. Be civil for fucks sake. A nicer way could be the old do unto others thing. One can stick to their beliefs and morals while respecting the beliefs and morals of others. You don't have to agree with them, but understand that not everyone believes as they do. I am not immune from my verbal ass-whipping. I too have a hard time realizing that maybe, just maybe, this planet does not revolve around me. Staggering thought, I know, but true. Yes, I am not the center of the universe as I have led you all to believe.....but tell no one of this! I struggle with attachments that I have to beliefs or ideals, that not everyone does something simply to piss me right the hell off. I am not angry as I type this, just frustrated at the state of in-humanity.
These issues that I have with un-civilization have come to light, more so, as I realized that I am becoming more withdrawn from humanity. I go to the park almost daily, but this is done before sun rise and just after. The few people that are there are usually regulars and I am comfortable with them. They are civil to others, always with a wave or a "good morning" and a smile. I have a few, very few, friends that I am comfortable around and, honestly, at times it is hard for me to be "out" with them. Sure, in an environment that they are in I can usually be at ease, but there are times when this is difficult. I know a lot of this is due to my illness, but I still do not enjoy the fact that I can't just go over and be at ease without worrying about a meltdown. I had a royal meltdown the other day. It took another day to recover from the pressure of people in this town. It is not just this town, it is any place where people are. The more I am around people, the less I want to be. Call it antisocial or label it another way, the fact is people suck. Not all, but most.
To those very few people that are civil and human, thank you.