The usual, and unusual, stuff.

Since the move up here there has been a lot of snow. And it is not even winter yet, not for another two days. This boy and his dog really enjoy it too! The other morning it was coming down at a rapid and great volumed pace. I was out with B and when he noticed it he ran around jumping into the air trying to catch the flakes in his mouth. I thought it looked like fun so I tried to catch some as well. It was fun. He also likes to bury his snout in the powder and run through it like a snow plow. This I leave to him, I doubt that I would care too much for it. We enjoy our walks with the snow falling out of the trees or blowing lightly into our faces. There is quiet here, and with quiet, I find peace. I can still my mind and find relaxation. There is also love.
Love, I think, is the most noble and enduring of human qualities. Enduring because it can span any distance and surpass even the great slumber of death itself. Selfless love is noble. When you can throw away all expectations and beliefs on how that person should be, act and behave and simply love them for them, then you have something wonderful indeed. Love is noble in that one is willing to give anything for the other, even there life. Love of one's children is a given. It is pure and whole. Finding someone with which you feel the same way about, that selfless, complete love, is rare. Rare and fast becoming extinct, I fear, for most. I am talking about the type of love that at the slightest thought of that person you are warmed as if by the sun. And sometimes it is as hot as the Texas sun in July! It too, is peaceful.
If you have someone in your life, anyone, hold there hand(s) today, look them full in the face and let them know that you love them. If nothing else than to remind you of that love. We all get caught up in ourselves and what we are doing that we can overlook the love we feel for others. We know they love us, but we can all use reminders of that love and the reflection of their love reflected back onto us. Think of each person special to you for a few minuets, one at a time. Picture their face, their smile, and consider the love you have for them. It won't take much time out of your day.
A wonderful woman I know says that there is always time to dance! Well, there is always time to love too.

New forrests to roam!

This Texas boy and his dog have moved, to New York of all places. Not the city type N.Y., but the nice part. We live in a village in Central-lower up state NY. We are at the base of the Adirondack Mountains area, in a valley, surrounded by hills. There are streams and rivers at every turn, with waterfalls! i cannot wait to try my hand at fly fishing some of these! The Mohawk River flows just a few blocks from the apartment, though I would not drink the water in it. The geese sure like it well enough, as do a lot of ducks. There are new bird species to learn and the squirrels are great! We have red, grey and black squirrels (the black being a color morph of the grey, so i have read). They appear larger with a fur that is more dense than their Southern cousins. Makes sense due to the weather. And we have snow, lots of snow so far. B LOVES it!! He runs around with his nose under the snow like a plow. He also like to bury his ball in it and watch as I try to find it. The other morning, (at 1:45!), he needed to go out and it was snowing pretty good. He was running around, jumping into the air while trying to catch snowflakes in his mouth! This area is truly beautiful, for more reasons than one. I find myself being happy a lot. The noise inside of me has quieted a great deal. The buzzing "sound" in my head has all but ceased. There are places here were my mind is quiet and I can think. I am still adjusting to a new family life and the idea that I am a part of it. The cold is good, for me, as it provides ample snuggle time! I do miss my Southern friends and wish you could all be up here with us. Speaking of snuggles, my snuggle buddy has just sloshed through like a zombie, it is after all 5:39 in the morning. A bit early for her. We miss you all!

2 a.m., again

Well, the boy with his dog awoke at 2 a.m. again, that is my super power. A 2 a.m. alarm that brings me to full awake. I lay there thinking of Her. Looking into those changing eyes hearing Her laugh. I think of my children. Are they sleeping well? What are they dreaming? How I would love to peek in on them as I did when they were younger. I think of roads behind and roads ahead, rough and smooth.I think of wolves, of bears, of birds, I think of trees. One in particular. I think of leaving, of packing. Of what I will leave behind, will I leave anything behind? Will I be remembered when I'm gone? Do I want to be? When I type of "gone" here, I refer to death. See how my mind leaps and soars into the weirdest corners of the room? I do so with a crayon, so I have been told. Like a two year old scribbling on the walls, I take off in every and any direction. It is no fault of mine, it's my brains'. So put him in time out, not me! I'm going outside to play!!! I think of my family, current and past. The trails I have walked and those yet to stroll upon, jump in my mind. New smells, old smells, sights, sounds, tastes. Running through my mind like a streaker at a football game, this way and that, being chased by the police of reason, these thoughts escape me. And the reason police for that matter! All these things bleed through staining the canvas of my mind.
And then I think: Whatever this boy and his dog encounter, She will be there, holding my hand, chasing behind me with a rag to remove the crayon from the wall. And now, I am smiling.

Relaxing sounds of nature....

It is 2:47 a.m. and here I sit trying to type this while the computer chair sinks slowly so I have to keep adjusting the height. There, pillows, done and done. Anyway, I just stepped outside and there is a light rain falling. I step into it and lift my face to the sky and listen. There is quiet! Not silence, but quiet. Crickets are chirping loudly, rain is falling on the leaves, there is no traffic, the sound of Bruno urinating...wait, yep, somehow even that is relaxing. All the tension seems to simply flow out of me. I enjoy the moment, the here, the now-ness of the moment. All is quiet, all is still inside me. A moment of peace, not thinking, just being. Standing barefoot in the rain, I feel myself as a part of a whole. A wondrous universe of being. I will try to meditate for a bit and then, perhaps, there will be SLEEP!
Stop and listen.

my mid-night ramblings

Hmmm, it is 1:44 in the a.m. and I up. I find this odd because I usually awake at 2a.m. and can't fall back asleep, no matter what time I go to bed. Perhaps the chip in my brain implanted by the aliens is going all wacky? I wonder, what kind of chip is it? Nacho cheese? A Pringle perhaps, or maybe a chili cheese Frito! Either way, I think it is on the blink. My furry companion, on the other hand, has eaten his chip, I'm sure....probably the alien as well.
The Vet. visit with him was a good one, though he also hates those tiny exam rooms. His follow up test for heart worms was negative and all appears healthy. Including his appetite! He now weighs in at 97.80 pounds. Not sure why the "0" is there other than to make him look even heavier, but hey, that's what the papers state. Veterinarians are a wonderful way to find out about how expensive it is to keep a pet healthy. Seriously, I love them. If only the pet insurance covered regular check-ups and visits, rather than "emergencies" only. I wonder if choking on a squirrel or duck is considered an "emergency"? Certainly it would to the duck or monkey-rat in the throat.
I have spent this past week, since Monday after arriving, or re-arriving, back at the house locked in my room for the most part. I have taken B out and fed him, gone to the bathroom, heck, I even showered a couple of times. All of this thanks to depression and anxiety. I have spent this time mostly sitting on staring at nothing. Television sucks, inter webz is stoopid with technology. So sit I have. Right now, I feel a little better. I hope to take our hike in the morning. I am certain that Bruno is ready to chew his paws off due to boredom, really, I saw him trying! He does have a large back yard to run in with the two other dogs that lag around here waiting to bark at things, but it is different from our walks.
I also have decided that this is probably my last full month here depending on money. I still need a -20 below rated sleeping bag and a three or four season tent and a few other things. These are not cheap. I can't just hop on down to Waly-weird and pick them up. So, I shall have to search on-line, purchase, and wait. I think that I have figured the Bruno food /space issue, I'll just have to travel lighter than expected to make room. As to where we will go...hell, I'm simply going to put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. I know where I would like to go, but am uncertain if things will pan out. I know, I couldn't wait for Spring could I? Just HAVE to go as the weather will be turning icky, which, by the way is a meteorological term to describe some weather in Texas. Other words include; crappy, hot f*cking hot, and REALLY f*cking hot! With the occasional freeze your privates off cold, even if you posses no privates, they will freeze off. Luckily, that happens about twice a year here, like snow on Easter.
I still have concerns about B's stamina, but we can take breaks. I am in no hurry, that I know of. I am hoping to have a junk,er, garage sale soon to rid myself of un-needed ...things. My problem is that I LIKE my crap! It has taken a while to acquire some of the oddities that I have, the rest of it can go though. I may end up selling blood and brain matter. Trust me, my brain matter is far more rare than gold, so the price should be good for it.
Ok, I'm through for now, I think, or do I?! I will sit and meditate until before sunrise, then I hope to drag B for an outing.

A Rant a.k.a. pissing and moaning.

There are a great many things that I consider myself, civilized is not one of those things. Hell, I am barely tame or domesticated. I have seen "civilized" people and see them on a daily basis, if even in the media via t.v. or the inter-webz, and I greatly dislike them. There is very damned little civilized about civilization. The rape of children, torture on national or religious beliefs, murder for shoes, a watch, $27.00, or for no reason at all. This is daily! DAILY, mind you. Every fucking day someone is butchering someone else! I am not speaking of killing to protect an innocent or loved ones or hell, even one's self. Just senseless deaths, day after day. Recently I watched a documentary of homicide detectives going about their jobs. In one instant they had to interview a SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY, the oldest of the three, that witnessed his mother being shot in the head while she was in the car with those 3 little children. These hardened men and women were crying after the interview with the child as he described his mother's brain matter being splattered on his face! No shit, I would cry as well. Oh, the reason of the murder? An argument over a man. What a wonderful reason to kill someone in front of their 3 children. All that suffering over a perceived disrespect. Hell, a person must first respect themselves before they can others! I recall a time when respect was EARNED through one's actions and morals. On how that person treated others. Not because they feel they demand respect! Not because of an inflated sense of self worth and importance. Humans should set aside their inflated egos and be mindful of the other people on this planet. Be civil for fucks sake. A nicer way could be the old do unto others thing. One can stick to their beliefs and morals while respecting the beliefs and morals of others. You don't have to agree with them, but understand that not everyone believes as they do. I am not immune from my verbal ass-whipping. I too have a hard time realizing that maybe, just maybe, this planet does not revolve around me. Staggering thought, I know, but true. Yes, I am not the center of the universe as I have led you all to believe.....but tell no one of this! I struggle with attachments that I have to beliefs or ideals, that not everyone does something simply to piss me right the hell off. I am not angry as I type this, just frustrated at the state of in-humanity.
These issues that I have with un-civilization have come to light, more so, as I realized that I am becoming more withdrawn from humanity. I go to the park almost daily, but this is done before sun rise and just after. The few people that are there are usually regulars and I am comfortable with them. They are civil to others, always with a wave or a "good morning" and a smile. I have a few, very few, friends that I am comfortable around and, honestly, at times it is hard for me to be "out" with them. Sure, in an environment that they are in I can usually be at ease, but there are times when this is difficult. I know a lot of this is due to my illness, but I still do not enjoy the fact that I can't just go over and be at ease without worrying about a meltdown. I had a royal meltdown the other day. It took another day to recover from the pressure of people in this town. It is not just this town, it is any place where people are. The more I am around people, the less I want to be. Call it antisocial or label it another way, the fact is people suck. Not all, but most.
To those very few people that are civil and human, thank you.

A day with a princess and the royal family.

The beloved Meathead and I were kidnapped in the very wee hours of the morning yesterday, or, as some would say, in the night. As I was awake anyway I minded little. We were forced to endure the tortures of grilled foods and great company. Oh, what horrors we faced. Like troopers though, we did not back down nor did we ever give up! We consumed the meats, what MUST have been several pounds worth. My colon hates me but my tummy loves me for it!
the coversation was truly a nightmare, what with all the laughing and catching up. Once again, the horrors! OH!! And lets us never forget the nightmare of the , wait for it.......TICKLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAHHHHHHH!!!! The memories are too much!!!(SOB).
Ok, I've recovered, let us continue. The betrayal by my best buddy was almost too much when he failed to protect me from those wicked tickles, I'll not mention any names oh furry and tailed one....
There was, however, one enjoyable ray of light. One that helped me through the darkness of the great food and better friends, The Princess. AH yes, The Princess Emma! She and I, her Prince Kevin, the handsome, smart, strong, handsome, witty, handsome, brave, and did I mention handsome?, Prince Kevin, took on the evils of the world to save the innocent!!! We rode the length and breadth of the kingdom, fighting trolls, witches and care bears.... ok, maybe not care bears be we sure would have had any got in our way! We also befriended and learned about a certain large grasshopper. If you ask the Princess she will show you that this grasshopper was about a foot in length or more. We played with Ruby the dragon who stayed in my shirt pocket, we threw a ball at the beach. She and I constructed our castle, complete with a moat and draw bridge and towers. We stalked the elusive crickets in the wild, uncharted yard. We flew across and above the land, we sat , we walked holding hands, making small talk that only a four year old and an adult with the mind of a four year old can conjure. It was a wonderful day. There was a certain beautiful someone who was missing, but was with us in heart. My Queen.
Today the royal court travels to the wizard of the scalpel to tend to the king's leg. It was bitten off by a shark but is getting better. If he would have taken MY advice and rubbed salt in the gaping hole in his leg, it would be all healed today. So few people listen to my advice though, it's weird huh? At least he is getting better, although slower than if he would have listened to me and my extensive medical background. Salt and dirt does wonders!!
B and I are back in our cave now, the smell of cooking flesh still fresh in our nostrils and the feelings of arms around us in hugs fresh in our minds. This day, this cool Autumn day, will be long remembered.

A special morning at the park.

This morning was the sort of morning that poets dream about. It was cool, almost crisp, and clear. There was a light fog coming from the heavy dew on the grass. The stars were bright, so much so that you felt you could see into the future with them. There was the smell of late blooming flowers, so sweet it would make your teeth hurt to smell them. Soon, the sun started to lighten the sky and the birds awoke to sing the day awake. First the cardinals, then the jays and grackles. Then, as if on cue, all sorts started calling, announcing to the world that they were still alive. The geese and ducks glided across the surface of the calm water, fluffing their feathers and dipping their heads in the wet mirror that reflected and moved under them.
The sun crested above the tree line and colors exploded across the land B and I stood on. The squirrels, their cheeks stuffed with pecans and walnuts, ran up and down the trees, stowing them for the winter that is sure to come before long. The cool air is strong in our lungs. That slobbering beast beside me and I sat watching, peacefully, as the morning rituals of the those park animals took place.
We completed several revolutions of the parks' trail and, grudgingly, set about a very round-about way to the house were we sleep. While walking along the river to exit the park I noticed a very large bird swooping in to land on a branch. It was an unusual color that I noticed to be the dappling of a juvenile but had the four and a half foot wingspan of a bird a great deal larger than the native hawks. Curious, I dug out my binoculars and had a much closer gaze at the details of the youngster. As he, or she, was only 40 feet away or so, I had a nice look. A nice, long look. I watched as it flew off after a duck, an adult duck that looked so small next to it. Then another duck, and another. It hunted with the awkwardness of youth, but persistence of an adult. I took out my handy little bird book, the one with the photos, not drawings, of the birds. Sure enough it was in there, big as as the sun that rose only an hour before, a juvenile bald eagle! Right here in Stephenville at the city park. Possibly, likely, an early migrator to the North. Old enough to be on its own, young enough to not yet have found a mate. In any event, beautiful, like the rest of the morning spent with my constant companion, Bruno.

A mixed up mind or a confused coconut.

Being bi-polar often times sucks the ass. A smelly, hairy, greasy, zit-filled ass. Every night I get ready for bed and wonder who will wake up tomorrow. Will it be the neurotic, paranoid, can't-leave-the-room guy? The anal attentive neat freak cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush? (Not my toothbrush mind you!) Will i awake to the depressed lay-in bed-all-day guy? Or, the worst, the furious bastard that hates all things personality? I never know. What's worse is the length of time between these people varies. Could last a day, could last a couple of weeks. Personally, I prefer the manic, wild idiot, though even I get tired of this one. The constant chatter from my mouth and in my head that never seems to be connected to each other wears thin on my nerves, yet I cannot stop it. Some days I don't even notice what I'm doing...until I see the bank statement! If I have money, I often spend it without thinking. Impulsive purchasing on a budget larger than I have access to often bodes ill for me. Then again, when I start thinking of a purchase I will talk myself out of it.
Then there are the voices and noises. Oh what fun to go around all day looking for that fricking noise that eludes one all day! Or to keep looking to see if anyone else hears what I, or my mind, thinks it hears. Meds do help keep things manageable, most days. The best defense I currently have against tripping over the cliff of insanity is my dog, Bruno. I can always count on him to lighten things up. When anxiety clubs me in the head, he is right there to put his head under my hand to calm me down. When the "noises" become worse, I look at him to see if he is listening to something or someone to determine if we both hear it. Imagine if he heard things too! That would be funny as hell, sad, but funny! It has taken some adjustments, but he and I read each other pretty well and rely on each other for comfort and security. I think we are both better for it. He no longer a risk at being put down for lack of a home, I at a lesser risk for being put down due to lack of sanity. Make no mistake, I still lack sanity, I just cope better with it now. Or without it, depending on which side I look at. We, dare I say it, complete each other. That is so corny you could plant it, but it works. Together we are a little less un-complete. Besides, without my bed, where would he sleep?

The walk, again.

Once again I have been thinking, no dreaming, of "the walk". A walk-about as it is know in Aussie land. I mapped my route out of Texas to Northern New Mexico were I will be briefly before hitting Colorado and the Rocky Mountain trail to Canada. The Texas to N.M. is 157.5 miles or there about. If I can log 20 miles per day, that is only 2 miles per hour at 10 hours a day, I can be to my first destination in N.M. in about 8 days of travel. Add for unforeseen events and it could be 10 days or so. If I calculate for Bruno marking like he does then we will arrive in New Mexico in just under 8 YEARS! Just kidding Big B. We both pee every few steps, must be a dog thing. Anyway, 2 miles an hour is very doable for us as we average 3 to 4 on even terrain. Sure the days will be long, but interesting and of course there will be breaks for rest, grub, and just to look at things. The trail over the Rockies, if that is the path we travel, will take much longer due to the terrain and elevation but it is something I would love to do!
Some of the gear needed is pricey, emergency radio for weather reports, solar charging panel, and some camping gear to name a few things. Those can be purchased a little at a time due to lack of funding and e-bay is a wonderful thing for finding these things at reasonable rates. The thing I run into is lugging supplies. For myself it is no big issue, but for my dog owner, Bruno, it may just be an issue. I would need space for his food and they do not sell his brand of food in anything smaller than 30 pound bags. That is a lot of space! No way will that fit in my pack with all the other needed gear. I have considered a pull cart and this sounds like a keen idea....until the mountains. Then the trail is uneven at best and not exactly smooth. Tugging on a cart at that altitude and terrain might take a while. So now I must find a new idea. I could sure use some help brainstorming this problem. Any ideas that any of you have would be a great help....possibly. I know some of you and answers like storing the food in your bum may pop up. I have already thought of this and concluded that the food will NOT fit, thank you very much! It may also turn out that I must adjust our route to a more subdued trail avoiding the mountain paths for roads.
In any event I need to remove this chair from my duff and get B and I out the door for our morning hike. Can't get ready for the trip by eating chocolate and playing on this thing....DAMN!

Just Ramblings

It is raining,YES!! While I do enjoy a good wet it does prove a bit dull for the Bruno Dog. He will play in it, but not much. So we sit inside bopping around, He on the futon, I here with my Tazo Zen hot tea. Exciting, I know.
My meditation practice has been going well I believe and I enjoy it. I can open up to myself and be honest with myself without beating the crap out of myself mentally. I can observe feelings and emotions that arise inside of myself to better understand them. About the only problem that I have at times are my legs falling asleep after about 30 minuets and by the time the hour is up, I cannot feel one or both of them at all and must wait for the circulation to return so I can stand. Second is that my mind is like a squirrel, it's all over the place. I get distracted easily and often have trouble focusing on any given task at a time. Some sittings are better than others with the concentration, other times I spend an hour chasing my mind around. Give and take I guess. I enjoy the quiet, just sitting and letting things be. no worries for the moment, no task or appointments, just breathing and observing how things appear and disappear.
I would like to find a yoga class and start practicing some of that. I enjoy a good stretch, so long as I don't have to try to put my feet over my head or up my ass. I'm not near as flexible as I once was.
Well I have a whole day of not doing anything so I'd better get to it.

Humor in a graveyard.

This morning my human took me to the graveyard for a walk in the cool morning air. It is a nice change from the routine walks to the park as the smells are different and there are lots of trees to mark. It is relatively quiet considering it is at probably the busiest traffic area in town. There always seems to be a nice breeze blowing in the mornings and it is rare that there is anyone else around, living that is. Today the human saw some marking on a headstone that gave him a right chuckle. He told me it was funny, maybe it was, human-types can be weird. On the marker of the remains of one woman that lived to a mature age was carved the words " I tried broccoli and didn't like it." Some how this was funny to my human as he explained that most humans like to have there lives summed up in a few words on their markers. A testimony to their beliefs. I believe that this woman did not care much for broccoli.
Have a great Labor Day weekend and keep wagging your tails!

Belonging

The rains finally blew in and with them I've seemed to calm down.....a little. It is a unique sensation to awake with the smell and sound of rain and getting the first days' nice, long stretch and yawn in. Makes me want to go back to sleep just to awake all over again.
I was ask if I felt the way I described on my last post were I lived previously. I had to think and be honest with myself and the answer was 'yes'. I have never felt as if I truly belong anywhere except out in the "wild". The forests and woods help to provide me with a sense of calmness. In the quiet, natural sounds I can think. My head quiets and I feel at ease and peaceful. Among nature and with animals I feel as if I belong. As if it is my "place" to be out there.
One reason that I am aware of is out there I cannot hurt anyone. Nature expects little and I know what to expect of it, the unexpected! I understand nature and animals, it's humans I cannot grasp.
This is through no fault in others. I have been made to feel most welcome among my close circle of friends. They are more family than friends and I love them dearly. However, I have always felt as if I were intruding, a burden and in the way. I have felt comfortable for short periods but never at..home. The feeling is even worse in public or in towns. Most of the time when I am around large crowds I get angry and aggressive. The noises and smells of the people start to close in on me, to suffocate me. I start feeling the need to escape, to lash out and yell "Stay away"!! "Don't fucking touch me"!! and "Shut up"!! I feel the anxiety building in me now as I type this. Just the thought of a mass of stinking, noisy bodies pressing in on me starts to obscure and cloud my thinking. Logic slips away and I picture myself striking them, trying to get out.
Wow, That guy is screwed up! I fear that I will become violent again. That is part of my life I have tried to keep behind me. I have injured enough people, physically and emotionally, to last a life time. And it always seems that I do so to those I care most about. You know who you are and, sadly, so do I. It is a heavy weight on myself and others to know that I will eventually break down and lash out mindlessly again. This is no "poor me" type crap, just simple truth. I am constantly taking steps to try and remedy this, but like most important things with overcoming negative self ideals and beliefs and habits, it is a most difficult task. But no matter how many times the rocks of reality start to slide on the mountain of life, I will continue to climb until I reach the top. What else can I do but continue? I know no other way. Not giving up, no matter how much I wish to, cannot be an option again. i always think, just one more sunrise. One more morning listening to the birds sing and watching the squirrels play. One more deep breath. Breathing, that is key.
Always remember, Just breathe.

Slogging Ever Onward, But To What?

Bruno and I go for walks and jogging almost every morning. We mark our territory, check out any new smells, and enjoy being outside among the birds, squirrels and other animals. There is no better way for us to begin our day than to have the wind in our faces stretching our legs. As of late it is not the motivation to go for that outing that I search for each morning, it is gathering the resolve to return. As soon as we cross the bridge at the park to return to the house, we step back into the world of Man and the smell, no, STENCH of pollution from cars and the ever crushing noise of people going everywhere and nowhere at the same time. At the park, the morning joggers/walkers greet each other with "Good mornings" and "Hellos". Outside of the park, it is all about the self and rushing to do those all important task that requires people to be rude and nasty to each other. Is there a manner barrier that surrounds the park and ends the moment one leaves it's borders? I actually look forward to greeting those regulars out to torture themselves for health and those I have yet to get to know at the park. Why does my attitude towards people change when I leave? Yes, I too am guilty of using the manners barrier of the parks confines. What changes for me? I still say hello and good morning, but it feels different. Forced, almost, and uncomfortable. I am not sure what changes in them or me, but I will search for the answers to this mystery.
As for the return to the house and the world of Man, I turn around and slog ever onward, but to what?

that hopeless feeling.

I'm going to piss and moan and whine and display a "poor me" attitude, you may want to move on to something more uplifting or productive. You have been warned.
I spent the better part of yesterday searching for a place to call "home". I have been looking in the Pacific Northwest; Oregon, Washington and Idaho and Montana as well. Without physically visiting these places it does little good to do so, but I continue none the less. It's called insanity, apparently I've caught it from these humans here on Earth. I then tried to work on a budget to save money for traveling and the move as I do have some places narrowed down for a home site, the cost will not be staggering. Although it may as fucking well be. No vehicle to travel with means the purchase of transportation of some sort. Be it permanent, rental, or public. A rental is unreasonable in the cost department. A plane, train, bus, of crate to mail myself in means a return trip (possibly) for the crap I want to move with me. There are options, such as mailing the said crap to said location after acquiring residents, that I still have yet to ponder. A car, truck or van; can I afford one? No. I could make payments, possibly, but with little or no down payment, options a stark at the sunniest. Then there is the task of living arrangements. I don't necessarily require a structured house to live in, a tent would do just fine thanks. This requires a place to throw said camp. The pioneering spirit is not so much alive in that you can simply set up were you stop in this time period, at least not easily in this country. That means finding land to live on. It begins to spiral into a chaotic morass at this point and I can feel myself begining to become very un-zen. The situation has in fact, shat upon my happy cloud.
Al I would like is to live in some wilderness place where I can be left to my thoughts. A place where I can hear no traffic or the absolute minimum of human activity. A place where I can SEE the night sky and not just a few clouds! Someplace where night time is *GASP* dark! A place where I can witness the changes of seasons and the living, natural world. I want to breathe and not inhale combustive pollution. I want water that is clean. All I want is to be able to LIVE and not to simply exist. Countless hurdles arise keeping from this. My dream is actually a nightmare in that I cannot obtain it.
I swear people, I am this fucking close (pinches fingers together herd enough to bring blood), to walking the fuck out of here THIS WEEKEND! I have had it with so called humanity and can do without it. Humanity has lost it's humane ability. And I have lost patience and my mind.....ok, not sure I ever had much of that last bit, but still! I am about to search for carts or even a wheel barrel to lug the needed dog food and water That B and I will need to walk ...well, away. To just go. I am so very close to a "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm OUT!" moment. All I must do now is overcome this hopeless, overwhelming moment that a lot of us have these days.
O.k., now, to inhale, exhale, and continue onward!

Morning Zen

As of late I have been sleeping VERY little, if at all. I complain much about it but that does no good. Sleep has never been kind to me. I will often go several days to a week on just a few hours rest. It can be exhausting and I dislike sleeping pills, or any frikin' pills for that matter, so I sleep little. Usually I crash hard for 5 or 6 hours a week, sleeping an hour or two in a stretch without waking. That's another issue, I wake up of and on all night. About once every half hour. But I'm not complaining today, there is a plus side to getting frustrated with trying to sleep and getting out of bed at 3 a.m. There is NO ONE at the park at 4:30 in the morning! B and I have it all to ourselves until about 5:30 and sometimes 6. Even then it is just a very few people and B and I know them as "regulars". Some are there with their dogs, others to be alone and walk without a lot of noise and people. I enjoy those before sunrise walks because I can let Bruno off leash and run around freely. It is not that he is a problem, quite the opposite, he is incredibly well mannered when I'm with him. It is that some of the park goers are intimidated by his size. I find it silly as I consider him a medium sized dog. He is only just over 80 pounds. I once had a half old English mastiff, half saint Bernard that was over 200 pounds. He was a big dog. But, people, most of the time, cannot judge the weight of a dog and think that B is a massive monster of a beast. Those that know him know he is a lap dog....literally!
This morning we were up again before Jesus and farmers so our walk was another quiet one. The moon was almost full and the sky was clear with stars shinning bright. The temp. was not too bad, in the upper 70's and it was quiet. The trail at the park was dark but we know it well. All the bends and curves, the best trees to pee on, ( I'll not say if it is B or I doing the peeing) and the best places to watch the squirrels awaken. When the sun did finally make it appearance, the sky took on a shade of blue that I have seen none too often. The kind of blue that only comes with early mornings. The kind of colour that it is as if you have never seen blue before. The reason for this wonderful sky was not anything different in the atmosphere, it was me. The way I looked at it. I took time and really SAW the sky, the clouds slowly swimming by, the orange from the sun. All of this can be seen on any given day, but today, today I sat still and really looked. It was sort of a meditation on the sky. Now, I could be loopy from a major lack of sleep as of late, but this was profound to me. How many of we humans really take some time just to look at something? And not just to look, but to SEE? The sky, for all of my life anyway, has always been there, right above me. So why do I stop to take note of it so little? Night is different, there are stars and planets and I often sit and gaze at that, but not the day sky. I don't mean sitting a staring at the sun, like me naked, it can blind you if you gaze at it too long.
I have come to think of our early morning walks as 'morning zen'. A time to think and just be. After we walk a couple of miles, we sit and rest, rehydrate and await the sun. This is the best time of the whole day for me. Just B and I, sitting. Feeling the breath enter and leave my body, being cooled by sweat and a breeze. Watching the squirrels and birds go about being squirrels and birds and just being a part of it all. Of life. Of something bigger than us all, bigger than this little planet. Bigger than our egos and worries, bigger than our anger and resentment. Perhaps this is a bit of peace. A little time to yourself, outside of yourself to connect to everything and to try to be a bit more tolerant of others.

Sleep and rain.

I have been having difficulty sleeping since I was young. Insomnia, can be a bitch, as many of you know. I was taking sleeping pills and they helped a little from time to time but I haven't taken any in several months. I simply don't enjoy being reliant on pills ....or anything else for that matter, I suppose. Finally I was able to get more than an hours rest last night, or early this morning depending on how you look at such things. I'm not sure if it was the brief rain we received or that B chased off the squirrels in my head, or both, but I got some sleep. That always feels nice.
B and I have been on few walks indeed this past week due to the heat and humidity. He still takes some time to recover from the heat and the jogs and walks are a bit much for him by the time we get back to the house. I worry so I have been taking it easy on him. Besides, I am no big fan of hot ass weather as a constant. The sunlight and my medication don't exactly groove together pleasantly. While I can use the treadmill, he isn't a big fan of it. I worry about him getting bored, and I can see that he does! He is a bright K-9 and needs stimulation. Sure, I have toys and chew treats and such, but even those grow old after a while. You can only rotate the toys and treats so much before he's bored again. Oh, make no mistake, he would lie around and munch on things all day! There are too many calories for that though, I am trying to keep him fit and get us both back into shape. Rawhide is no good and wouldn't last long with him in any event, so I have some chews from the vet. with enzymes to help with a healthy mouth. Still, boredom seems an issue. If any of you have any ideas, let me know. We have always started our walks before sunrise but lately the humidity has been a factor with him. We go outside several times a day to play briefly then it's back in to cool off. I have a wading pool for the dogs but he is not a water dog type, per say. He will play in it very little, even at the lake. Hopefully by this time next year we will be in cooler climes up north.
As for that, I have also started looking into moving to Oregon or Washington and not just Idaho, as to give me more options. I seek rain, mountains and forest away from large groups of people and big shitties....I mean cities! So the hunt remains on for just such a place. It will happen, it will just take some research and travel and I am up for that!
I have been rethinking taking the walk with B. I'm not sure he will be up for it so soon, or ever. The verdict on his age is still out. Adult, young-ish. That's about all we know. He has had a rough year and it will take some time before he is recovered fully, he may surprise me yet though.
Until next time, may you all be licked in the face by a puppy!

Still alive...as of now.

Bruno and I are still living and trying to let others live without getting in the way. So far, not so bad. We are still exercising and I am still loosing weight, slowly. We did a little yard work the other morning and it looks nice out back. We worked until I grew tired of tripping over damned souls and finally ask one what the hell was going on. It replied that Satan was tossing the damned up to Texas, it was hotter up here! Then came the wonderful little thunderstorm and rain that cooled and watered us. And apparently was the signal for the mosquitoes to come out and devour humans. I suppose they have to eat too. Diet seems such a small thing to dislike one creature over. I try to let them be, in return they offer me malaria. But even in the full-on daytime, the buzzing vampires stay hidden. Texas can burn the wings off a vulture in the summer. B stays cool by laying on the couch in front of the fan, not a bad idea, if I could get him to scooch over!
Big B is a full-fledged service pooch now, with badges and all. He does still dislike the vest though, but he is realising that it means he can go anywhere that I go and that helps us both.
Do you think that snakes ever get a back ache?
Can worms get worms?
I don't want to be anywhere near an elephant with a cold. When it blows it's nose it will be nuclear.
Dog heaven is, in fact, also cat hell.
What do termites use to pick their teeth with?
Keep cool and try to share a fan, it's cooler that way.

Living in the Moment

Hey everyone, tis I, Bruno, your four legged traveler and protector of yards from those sneaky turtles! My human and I have been as busy as a one-legged cat trying to bury turds on a marble floor! He is loosing the weight, slowly so he says, and dragging me along with him. Ok, I'll admit that most mornings it is I who does the dragging, at the begging of the walk anyways. That guy always seems to be in a hurry on these walks! He should slow down and enjoy it. I try to show him how but you know what they say, you can't teach an old human new tricks. This morning though, it was a BIRD that taught him a lesson on being where you are, when you are.
It was during our mile three break and he had been rushing along like the trail would disappear if he didn't hurry, as usual, and we stopped to pant for a minuet and lap some water. Now , I could just see those tiny, broken wheels trying to spin and I just knew his small mind was elsewhere, worrying about such things as was and is out of his control. Boy, was he gone! Then, I saw him snap to, as if someone had opened the marro bones bag, and he took notice of a mocking bird just going off! This thing was really going at it, just singing like crazy. It would change songs then go back, then switch again. I must say, even a reserved and worldly dog as myself was impressed. I could see the light come back into his eyes and he took a look around and for the first time all morning, he SAW where he was. He took note of the ducklings that had hatched over the weekend, of the goslings following their mother. He felt the lovely breeze, blowing the cool morning air on his sweating, stinking body. (Really, he stinks after a walk!) He took note of the way the morning sun made it seem as if he were inside a giant green kaleidoscope as it shone through the leaves. For the first time all morning, he was AT the park. He looked down at me and said as much. I replied "duh", but I'm not sure he caught that, he is rather slow at times. It showed him that he should slow down and BE were he was. Enjoy it, live in it, just BE!
As for the turtles! HOW DARE THEY!! To think that one would try to INVADE my back yard! Hmph! Well, I showed that one that did dare to tread in my domain! I gave her a right barking at. Yes sir! I bet she'll think twice before venturing into MY lair again! The nerve! My human said that it was a red-eared slider. HA! Trespasser, that's what she was! Unfortunately the humans rescued it from my mighty mandibles of doom and released it into the river at the park with the rest of those things. She had damn well better tell the others what to expect in MY empire!
All in all things are good. Rain falls, heat rises, but we keep trotting along, one paw in front of the other. Pups are born and grow up to have whelps of their own. The wheels turn and the wind, well, she blows new and exciting scents our way every day. It is up to us to take the time to sniff them.....

Shedding the pounds!

I have been dieting as of late and I must admit that it is going better than I thought it would. I have dropped several pounds, lost two inches off of my waist, and I am eating a LOT better. My energy is great! We, Bruno and I, are walking and jogging four to five miles five times a week and I have started a dumbbell routine. The more I do, the more I feel like doing. My secret is sparkpeople.com. It is a free sight with all kinds of great stuff. There is a nutrition tracker for keeping up will all the food intake, menus, if you choose to use them, for each meal and day. Exercise suggestions and a feature for keeping track of the calories you burn. It is a real nice site with lots of help, suggestions from other members and groups you can join if you wish. I hate dieting, but this site really helps me. It keeps me on track and motivated to do better. I can't see a difference physically yet, except for the loose clothes and a smaller belt size, but I can sure as hell FEEL it! Heck, I'm wearing Bruno out now rather than him tiring my ass out. I still have to want to loose weight and better myself, but this site helps me to do so. On another note, Bruno has let me type this web log this morning. He's such a great guy. He is doing great health-wise by the way. He has had no stomach problems in a great many weeks and has not missed a meal at all. He is looking fantastic! And he is back up to over 80 pounds and 70 pounds of that is teeth! Just kidding, it's appetite! We have a busy month ahead with lots of travel plans. My youngest brother is getting married, again, so there is a trip for several days to his place as well as a visit to an exotic animal ranch while we are there. Then there is the trip to the coast. We will be staying in a hotel like pansies. LaQuinta allows pets and has a discount program through Petsmart's pet pals program. (Wow, that's a lot of "p"s!) We may camp on the beach for a night just to enjoy the Gulf a bit more. We are also going to visit a lot of local parks in and around the area we will be staying. I do enjoy traveling with B. His demands are few, except when it comes to his food, and he is always up to checking out new things on foot. I have also decided to take a bit of the Continental Divide Trail on our trip to the Canadian border. We strolled a bit of it in Colorado and while the elevation will take a bit to get acclimated, it is well worth the huffing and puffing. The views we saw were once-in-a-lifetime sort of things. Independence Day is approaching and we've a party planned for here. The usual, grilling, blowing crap up, and fun. I am also buying a lot of ice for the dog pool and making frozen meat flavored treats for the dogs. Have fun, hug a soldier or veteran, and be civil to each other.

Back in Texas.

My human and I have traveled back to uncivilization and rested up. We are walking like mad humans and he comments that he is sore. I tire after the walks but spring right back after a good nap. The mountains were as expected, beautiful. The wildlife did not let us down and we explored out wagging tails off. No worries, my human sewed mine back on. He still lacks a tail, poor human. We hiked starting before sunrise and rested at noon until about five-ish, or at least we tried. There were a great many things to stick our noses into and scents that begged to be followed! At nights we would lay listening to the sounds of wildlife and the wind. NOT the sounds of traffic and noises man-made! We could also see stars, stars like most humans never get to see. My pet human thought this to be of some importance and pointed it out to me. I'm not sure why, if you can't smell it, you can't catch it. If you can't catch it, you can't eat it, so what's the importance of it? The dogs may never fully understand you human-types. Good thing he's not exactly from this planet! In short, we had a wonderful time just being what we are, the best of friends, brothers in the chase.
The trip back was nice. He took his time and that was fine with me. We put a lot of miles behind us with our heads out the windows and our tongues flapping in the wind. We rested up in a motel before the ride back. Good thing too, we stank! "Bathing" in the steams did us little good as SOMEONE forgot the soap..... Not saying who, but he walks upright on two legs.
The 11th of next month we are planning on going to the coast. I've never been but my human assures me there will be new and great smells to explore. Plus lots of sand to trot on. We will see how well he does, you can never tell with humans........
Sniff you later! Follow your noses!

MMM fresh air and stars!

My human and I are just south of the Wyoming border near the Laramie River in Colorado and it is amazing. We have been here for over four days now in the "bush" on and near the mountains. At first, the elevation was kicking our fat asses but we have gotten a little better at hiking...a little. The air up here is clean and cooler than the lowlands and we have had to adjust to lower levels of pollution. No problem there! There were some clouds at night at first but the stars have been out and he stayed up most of two nights just gawking at the sky. Silly human, the sky is too high for him to reach and it never gets very close. He can't catch it so I don't know why he stares at it so. We have fished some, allegedly ,as he needs a permit to do so and hasn't one. I don't know why, you can't take a fish for a walk and They don't chase cars or cats. I can't see what the big deal is, I've never heard of a fish with rabies either. Stupid humans. I flushed out a furry, fast, long-eared thing that my pet human stunned by lobbing a small branch at and then I caught it. He called it a "rabbit" and we ate it. I guess it should have brought the stick back to us. Oh well, it was very tasty and I have chased more but haven't caught any. They are like squirrels without the trees. My human says the battery on this lap-top is about dry so I must stop now. We are in the motel resting up for the trip home and he didn't bring a charger for it. If not for me, he wouldn't remember to even feed me! I have to keep an eye on this one. Keep you tails waging and go chase something! B.