LOOKIT!!!! It's a doggie!

I picked up the dog dog today! Bruno, as he was called by the shelter, is home. He weighs in at a light 74 pounds and could stand to gain at least 15 more. The vet and others ask me what his breed is and I tell them hungry. And boy is he! He is mostly lab, the other part appears to be empty stomach. He is afraid of the psycho kitty Squishy and does not like Drizzt-cat around his food. That could be a mild problem since he thinks all food is his. So far he is well mannered in the house and out. He likes the kiddos and Charity, which is good because I would hate to loose her.... He is still learning what is his and what is not a chew toy. He loves his smoked and basted bones. You can tell by the gnawing noises and shrapnel left behind. He really likes a ride in the X-Terra and the big yard. Did I mention that he loves food also? I think that he will be a great looking animal once I get some weight back on him. He will be a wonderful friend to walk with on this leg of my travels.
As I had mentioned, we went to the ranch/farm where I spent some great times growing up and learning what it was to be a good man. There was a lot of memory triggers that took me back to 6 and 7 years old. The tank I spent summers fishing at, the field I learned to drive a tractor in, where I learned to ride a bike. Lots of memories. Without my grandfather, the place looked hard, desolate, empty. As if it too had passed on. Oh there is still life there, but different. You can see signs of the way it once was, the fallen grandeur of a once-proud land worked by hard hands. You can see the skeletons of greatness. You can feel the emptiness in the wind, a longing to be great again if only it had that spark again. The whole of the place feels hollow. Instead of sadness, I felt acceptance. He would like that, I think.
What I remember most, other than the people, are the smells. The fresh turned earth, food cooking, the dog. I remember the feel of the wind as I stand on the hill or in the fields. That wind that calls to me, draws me to find its source, to go. I can feel the rains of all seasons washing over me, the feeling of being truly cleansed by the soul of the land. I hear the birds, the sheep, the cattle, the tractor and my grandfather calling in the cows to milk. We had only the two Jerseys that we milked, we needed no more than that. I also remember the feel of a warm egg in my hand taken from right under the hens. Now, there is just the wind. But, if you listen closely you can still hear and feel all of these things. I hope someday the place is awakened anew.
How far does the wind carry the past?

Guess what!!!!!!

Guess what, guess what, GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!! I got a dog!!!! First, I must tell you about where I got him from. I got him from Brown County Animal Shelter, which is not the name now but I can't recall what it's called, sorry!. This place is truly awesome!. no, really, it is. It is the CLEANEST shelter I have ever been to, and I have been to a few. OK, a great many shelters. It is where I prefer to get all my mammal companions from shelters as it saves lives. Any way, it is a great place. As I said, it is very clean, even the smell, if there was one, was nice. The animals are in great shape. Healthy and happy. Yes, happy. Well fed and clean and happy. Did I say they were happy? They are so. They do not let the animals go home until they are spayed/neutered, micro-chipped and with there rabies shots. Very cool. They also come with a 30 day pet insurance that covers anything they might have missed an the coverage is up to $750.00. Hey! just found the shelter's name! It is the Corinne T. Smith Animal Center. It is in Brownwood, Texas so give them a check out if looking for a dog, cat, kitten or puppy. They also check for heart worms and give them all the appropriate shots. All of this cost $150.00 for dogs an I believe $75.00 for cats. Now this may sound a bit steep at first, but for all that you and your new pet receive, it is very little indeed. This place is great and I expect that I will be volunteering in the future at the shelter.
The dog is great. His is a mixed breed of considerable size. A beautiful animal. We could have gotten a puppy, or even one of the pure-bred dogs, but I opted for this guy. It would have been hard for a dog of his size to find a home and he is a year old. Most people want puppies. Heck, this one is already broke in!
We went to the ranch this weekend and I had a good time. We watched Sidney play a great game in the 6-man finals. They lost by 8 points but the game was good all the same. There was a lot of relatives that I had not seen in some time, and a few that I had not seen for a while on purpose.... The food was ..grannies food. Always awesome. There was everything. Baked turkey, deep fried turkey, ham, oh the ham!, dressing, and too many other things to list here. I ate, and ate, then ate some more. The only thing fat free might have been the forks. Who cares, it was way too good to consider calories.
I hope to post pictures of the dog soon and am looking forward to our new family member.
Be well everyone!!!

meal? , not so bad...

The meal was cooked and no one has passed away because of it...yet! Everyone claims that it is/was good and they ate well and, I suppose, that is what counts. We ended up with quite a few leftovers as my younger sibling could not show. He was flown out of state with his job at the last moment. Sucks, but such is his job. So, leftovers, yeah, we have plenty. Therefore if you know anyone hungry in this area, let me know. Dad enjoyed it and he got a call from my older brother who resides in Alaska. We have not heard from him in some time due to communication problems in the region. He lives 50 miles north of the Arctic Circle so that is no surprise. But, new phone number and lines or what not, all is well.
Today is also feeding day for all of the reptiles, a good meal for everyone here, I suppose. The cats ate good too, you know, "dropped" food. My water dragon will be getting larger before long and will require new lodging. I will begin building a new, larger terrarium soon and am looking forward to it. Not the cussing and throwing tools part, but the challenge and enjoyment of building something. The snakes are doing great and growing strong. I am still searching for a dog. I am looking for a rescue dog or one from an animal shelter. It is not easy selecting one that will go well with me. I am looking for a large dog, a German Sheppard or golden retriever or larger, but am not ruling out anything at the moment. Except maybe those tiny little dogs that are the size of a snakes meal. No, I do not condone or practice feeding dogs to reptiles , no matter the size of the dog! I simply want a dog bigger than a large rat.
I am also looking into getting a bird again. My last one died due to puppy. Yes, puppy. My German Shepard had pups and when they were a few months old, my sun conure tried to maul one and scared the puppy, which, in turn, yelped and snapped, hitting the bird and causing it's end in this life-cycle. It was tragic, I had lived with the bird for many years and had never had a problem with the whole dog-bird interaction. As they say, it only takes once. I blame neither for the accident, just myself for not using proper foresight. I knew better and should have used more caution. The result is that I lost a dear friend of the feathered variety.
Sidney plays in the first round of state finals in 6-man football this Friday. I hope to see the game as it was my high school, and I enjoy football! Both teams are undefeated, Sidney 12-0 and the other team 11-0. Walnut Springs beat Sidney last year ending their season, so this should be interesting at least.
I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving (why do we capitalized those 2 words together?), and remember what the day is for. Giving thanks.

It's here, that day

Here it is, T-day! I've got the dressing in the oven now. The bird is preped. The pies are baked. I'm ready! Oh, crap. I still have a lot to do though! I hope it all works out. The pies, by the way, are great. Jenn and David came by and we broke in to one of the pecan pies. Not too bad.
Sorry to hear that Crazed is ill. Hey, if all goes wrong, bring them over here, I'll feed them!...Right. I'll try to anyway. Really, I hope you get to feeling better.
I do hope that one of my younger brothers, the tallest of us and therefore not a "little" brother, (heck, none of my youngers are little!) is able to show up today. He works over 100 hours most weeks. Yep, he drives a truck. But, hopefully, he can show. Dad will be here. Oh shit. I have no gift for him yet. Crap on a cracker. Ummmmm, oh, crap. I need to at least get him a card. I think I have time, if anything is open in town today. Oh, man. I'll figure something out, I have too!
You know, I was going somewhere with this.... Oh yea! I remember now. Hey, get used to it with me.
We are going to the ranch where I spent the most memorable parts of my childhood. Where I learned what being a good person, a good HUMAN is all about. Where kindness meant something. Where I saw that a kind, soft hand meant so much more than a harsh, cruel word. All this I learned from my grandfather and grandmother, well, "step" grand parents. Not to me though, to me, he was my world. He taught me so much more than what I was exposed to. He taught me that being tough was not being mean. He was strong, morally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Yet, he would deliver a lamb that was having trouble entering the world as if he were cuddling an infant. He was a much bigger man than I am. Than most. The best man I have ever known in person. I miss him dearly. I am so very thankful that I had a chance to have him in my life. I can still see him milking one of the two milk cows by hand, checking out the beef cattle, sheep or pigs. Walking in the garden, or chicken yard. Sitting under the oak of an evening with Mansfield, the German Shepard. Oh how I miss him and that dog. Rest well you two, you have deserved your rest.
Anyway, we are going to the ranch. Another one of my younger brothers will be there. People that I see far to infrequently will be there. The place is different now. There are a great fewer animals there. The old ranch house burned down, and Granny is much older. But still, the memories persist. So many good memories.....
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Take a moment to remember all of those gone before you, those childhood feasts and laugh. Laugh a lot, so the children around you will have memories like we have.

Domestication.., Again!

Tomorrow I begin cooking for this Thanksgiving Day meal. It will be especially important to me for, you see, it is my first attempt at the making of the feast AND it is my father's birthday. So I hope that I do not screw it up! I very seldom get to cook for my Dad so it is doubly important that I do well. I will attempt to cook a bacon and herb turkey with apple cider gravy and cornbread dressing to accent the bird. I will also make my infamous mashed potatoes that are a closely guarded ancient double secret recipe of my own making, plus a batch of pecan and chocolate pies (my first shot at these as well!). I will try my hand at cranberry sauce too. And the the regular sides. One of my younger brothers and his future wifey-poo plan to be in attendance as well. Here is the sad part: I am worried about the outcome!! Me! The guy who at one time took a date to Allsups for dinner! (Oh yes, it's true, I did that!) Wow, what a domesticated little human I have become. What happened to the feral me? The man who would throw small animals on a fire and call it cuisine? The guy who would roast a perch and open a can of corn and LOVE it? Now, I worry about a good deal on bleach or what brand of toilet paper holds up without chafing. Next thing you know, I'll be watching project runway and worrying if Sweet Pea will win....oh, wait, I did that already, a few seasons back. Make it work designers! I talk about blending fall colors with shoes, me!, the guy who could have gone a year without changing underwear until Christmas, IF I got some as a gift. O.k., not quite that bad, but close!
I should be chopping wood, and getting the cabin ready for winter, not baking pies!! I need to be fighting a grizzly bear with a Swiss army knife, the Victorinox one of course, and taking its' coat for a blanket, not shopping for place settings! Oh, if my ancestors could see me now. Instead of making my own soap I'm looking for coupons on scented body wash. I don't know if I should smash my head between two bricks or get the one that smells of lilacs! I need to get back to the primitive!
So, if you are headed that way, I could use a lift. Did I mention that I can cook?...

Dreams and emotions

I had a dream last night that involved a lot of people from my past. We were having a "party" of sorts for a man named J.C. that is the father of some girls I went to school with. His wife was there, Marty, Steve and other friends. Charity was there. My children and there non-existent quad or quintuplet brothers, and my ex-wife. My children! It has been some time since I have seen them. We were interacting and having a great time. Even my daughter was there and hanging out with me and taking photos and having a ball. I was able to serve them cake and ice cream. Oh, my daughter is still pissed at me leaving them. Trust me when I say that it was much more involved than simply "leaving them" and it was the best and safest thing for them all at the time. And there were frogs there, dendobrates and a frog that I can't i.d. except to say it was a clown frog in my dream, however it did not look like a clown frog at all.
I awoke feeling.....a longing for my children. A need for their voices, their laughter, their touch. Anything of them, some fleeting glimpse, something, just a bit of something from them. Now, simply sadness, emptiness, an aloneness. Sitting here I can feel their hair from when I would rub their heads as they stood next to me. I can see their smiles.
It has been a great while since I have seen them. Great for me anyway. I have not spent time with them since early summer. Not for lack of wanting. I don't even have their phone number. You see, I was in the nut hut at the time of the divorce. Hell I didn't even know I had been divorced for some months after the fact. So now, I don't even have basic custody rights. Nothing. No visitation schedule, no phone number, no address, no info what so ever. I am contacted by them when she decides to allow me to visit with them and even then it is only for an hour or two at most.
It is my fault though. I was in the process of loosing my mind more and more each day. I was not diagnosed then and not on meds. I knew nothing of what was wrong except that I had become a danger to everyone around me and I had to leave. I spent the next 87 days in the casa de crazy trying out meds and the next three and a half years trying to find medication that WORKED. After almost four years I saw them again. That was the last time I saw my daughter. That was over three years ago. There is nothing to fill the emptiness with. I have tried it all; peace in knowing that they are safe and well cared for, hatred and anger (at myself), and simply trying to ignore the fact that they are no longer around me. All has fallen short of filling the hole inside of me left by my absence from them.
So, here I sit, perched in this chair, my throne of nothingness and emptiness, alone inside. I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I crave pity from anyone. All of this is my own making, my shortcomings and failures and I accept that. There is no "poor me". Hell, there is hardly any "me" at all. Who am I now? What am I now if not a father anymore? I feel as if I simply.....exist.
Hug your children if you have any as soon as possible.
Delete any anger you might have towards them.
Forgive them.
Love them.
And most of all, TELL them that you love them and SHOW it!
I read somewhere that words are hollow without action so
show them!

the longest nights

As is often the case, I find myself up at an odd time for most diurnal mammals. Sometimes I sit at the computer checking out the news or National Geographic type site. Sometimes I enjoy just sitting outside in the night. The feel of the cool air, the star-filled sky, the quiet, I love it all. It's a time when I am alone with myself. Just me and the night. I can think a little, clear my head somewhat. I often kid about it, but I really would love to live in a secluded forest somewhere in the north-west, near the Rockies would be great or even in British Columbia. I crave it, long for it. I feel that I actually NEED it. I have always been drawn north and I have no idea why. Even as a child, I have felt the need to live alone in the forest or unspoiled areas of the north. Idaho, Oregon, Washington, Canada, somewhere like that. Away from this "civilized" technical society. I have a brother that lives in Kotzebue, Alaska, that is 50 miles north of the arctic circle. He likes it though it has its' shares of drawbacks. I would like a bit less tundra in my neighborhood though. maybe some day I can find myself in the quiet solitude of tall trees and birds singing.
Marshall's party went well, I think. I stacked his cake while it was still warm and it looked as if a medium-sized farm animal had sat on it though. He seemed not to care but I did, greatly. In true Marshall style he even sang happy birthday to himself with the rest of the party goers. The kid, er, young man, is quite humorous. The next morning , he and I started building a helicopter from one of his gifts. It was time very well spent! As he put it, it will give us time to bond (said with much humor again). It was very nice though.
I have been up for several hours and will need to get others up in an hour or two so I will try to lay down a bit.....later!