I had a dream last night that involved a lot of people from my past. We were having a "party" of sorts for a man named J.C. that is the father of some girls I went to school with. His wife was there, Marty, Steve and other friends. Charity was there. My children and there non-existent quad or quintuplet brothers, and my ex-wife. My children! It has been some time since I have seen them. We were interacting and having a great time. Even my daughter was there and hanging out with me and taking photos and having a ball. I was able to serve them cake and ice cream. Oh, my daughter is still pissed at me leaving them. Trust me when I say that it was much more involved than simply "leaving them" and it was the best and safest thing for them all at the time. And there were frogs there, dendobrates and a frog that I can't i.d. except to say it was a clown frog in my dream, however it did not look like a clown frog at all.
I awoke feeling.....a longing for my children. A need for their voices, their laughter, their touch. Anything of them, some fleeting glimpse, something, just a bit of something from them. Now, simply sadness, emptiness, an aloneness. Sitting here I can feel their hair from when I would rub their heads as they stood next to me. I can see their smiles.
It has been a great while since I have seen them. Great for me anyway. I have not spent time with them since early summer. Not for lack of wanting. I don't even have their phone number. You see, I was in the nut hut at the time of the divorce. Hell I didn't even know I had been divorced for some months after the fact. So now, I don't even have basic custody rights. Nothing. No visitation schedule, no phone number, no address, no info what so ever. I am contacted by them when she decides to allow me to visit with them and even then it is only for an hour or two at most.
It is my fault though. I was in the process of loosing my mind more and more each day. I was not diagnosed then and not on meds. I knew nothing of what was wrong except that I had become a danger to everyone around me and I had to leave. I spent the next 87 days in the casa de crazy trying out meds and the next three and a half years trying to find medication that WORKED. After almost four years I saw them again. That was the last time I saw my daughter. That was over three years ago. There is nothing to fill the emptiness with. I have tried it all; peace in knowing that they are safe and well cared for, hatred and anger (at myself), and simply trying to ignore the fact that they are no longer around me. All has fallen short of filling the hole inside of me left by my absence from them.
So, here I sit, perched in this chair, my throne of nothingness and emptiness, alone inside. I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I crave pity from anyone. All of this is my own making, my shortcomings and failures and I accept that. There is no "poor me". Hell, there is hardly any "me" at all. Who am I now? What am I now if not a father anymore? I feel as if I simply.....exist.
Hug your children if you have any as soon as possible.
Delete any anger you might have towards them.
Forgive them.
Love them.
And most of all, TELL them that you love them and SHOW it!
I read somewhere that words are hollow without action so
show them!
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