Relaxing sounds of nature....

It is 2:47 a.m. and here I sit trying to type this while the computer chair sinks slowly so I have to keep adjusting the height. There, pillows, done and done. Anyway, I just stepped outside and there is a light rain falling. I step into it and lift my face to the sky and listen. There is quiet! Not silence, but quiet. Crickets are chirping loudly, rain is falling on the leaves, there is no traffic, the sound of Bruno urinating...wait, yep, somehow even that is relaxing. All the tension seems to simply flow out of me. I enjoy the moment, the here, the now-ness of the moment. All is quiet, all is still inside me. A moment of peace, not thinking, just being. Standing barefoot in the rain, I feel myself as a part of a whole. A wondrous universe of being. I will try to meditate for a bit and then, perhaps, there will be SLEEP!
Stop and listen.

my mid-night ramblings

Hmmm, it is 1:44 in the a.m. and I up. I find this odd because I usually awake at 2a.m. and can't fall back asleep, no matter what time I go to bed. Perhaps the chip in my brain implanted by the aliens is going all wacky? I wonder, what kind of chip is it? Nacho cheese? A Pringle perhaps, or maybe a chili cheese Frito! Either way, I think it is on the blink. My furry companion, on the other hand, has eaten his chip, I'm sure....probably the alien as well.
The Vet. visit with him was a good one, though he also hates those tiny exam rooms. His follow up test for heart worms was negative and all appears healthy. Including his appetite! He now weighs in at 97.80 pounds. Not sure why the "0" is there other than to make him look even heavier, but hey, that's what the papers state. Veterinarians are a wonderful way to find out about how expensive it is to keep a pet healthy. Seriously, I love them. If only the pet insurance covered regular check-ups and visits, rather than "emergencies" only. I wonder if choking on a squirrel or duck is considered an "emergency"? Certainly it would to the duck or monkey-rat in the throat.
I have spent this past week, since Monday after arriving, or re-arriving, back at the house locked in my room for the most part. I have taken B out and fed him, gone to the bathroom, heck, I even showered a couple of times. All of this thanks to depression and anxiety. I have spent this time mostly sitting on staring at nothing. Television sucks, inter webz is stoopid with technology. So sit I have. Right now, I feel a little better. I hope to take our hike in the morning. I am certain that Bruno is ready to chew his paws off due to boredom, really, I saw him trying! He does have a large back yard to run in with the two other dogs that lag around here waiting to bark at things, but it is different from our walks.
I also have decided that this is probably my last full month here depending on money. I still need a -20 below rated sleeping bag and a three or four season tent and a few other things. These are not cheap. I can't just hop on down to Waly-weird and pick them up. So, I shall have to search on-line, purchase, and wait. I think that I have figured the Bruno food /space issue, I'll just have to travel lighter than expected to make room. As to where we will go...hell, I'm simply going to put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. I know where I would like to go, but am uncertain if things will pan out. I know, I couldn't wait for Spring could I? Just HAVE to go as the weather will be turning icky, which, by the way is a meteorological term to describe some weather in Texas. Other words include; crappy, hot f*cking hot, and REALLY f*cking hot! With the occasional freeze your privates off cold, even if you posses no privates, they will freeze off. Luckily, that happens about twice a year here, like snow on Easter.
I still have concerns about B's stamina, but we can take breaks. I am in no hurry, that I know of. I am hoping to have a junk,er, garage sale soon to rid myself of un-needed ...things. My problem is that I LIKE my crap! It has taken a while to acquire some of the oddities that I have, the rest of it can go though. I may end up selling blood and brain matter. Trust me, my brain matter is far more rare than gold, so the price should be good for it.
Ok, I'm through for now, I think, or do I?! I will sit and meditate until before sunrise, then I hope to drag B for an outing.

A Rant a.k.a. pissing and moaning.

There are a great many things that I consider myself, civilized is not one of those things. Hell, I am barely tame or domesticated. I have seen "civilized" people and see them on a daily basis, if even in the media via t.v. or the inter-webz, and I greatly dislike them. There is very damned little civilized about civilization. The rape of children, torture on national or religious beliefs, murder for shoes, a watch, $27.00, or for no reason at all. This is daily! DAILY, mind you. Every fucking day someone is butchering someone else! I am not speaking of killing to protect an innocent or loved ones or hell, even one's self. Just senseless deaths, day after day. Recently I watched a documentary of homicide detectives going about their jobs. In one instant they had to interview a SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY, the oldest of the three, that witnessed his mother being shot in the head while she was in the car with those 3 little children. These hardened men and women were crying after the interview with the child as he described his mother's brain matter being splattered on his face! No shit, I would cry as well. Oh, the reason of the murder? An argument over a man. What a wonderful reason to kill someone in front of their 3 children. All that suffering over a perceived disrespect. Hell, a person must first respect themselves before they can others! I recall a time when respect was EARNED through one's actions and morals. On how that person treated others. Not because they feel they demand respect! Not because of an inflated sense of self worth and importance. Humans should set aside their inflated egos and be mindful of the other people on this planet. Be civil for fucks sake. A nicer way could be the old do unto others thing. One can stick to their beliefs and morals while respecting the beliefs and morals of others. You don't have to agree with them, but understand that not everyone believes as they do. I am not immune from my verbal ass-whipping. I too have a hard time realizing that maybe, just maybe, this planet does not revolve around me. Staggering thought, I know, but true. Yes, I am not the center of the universe as I have led you all to believe.....but tell no one of this! I struggle with attachments that I have to beliefs or ideals, that not everyone does something simply to piss me right the hell off. I am not angry as I type this, just frustrated at the state of in-humanity.
These issues that I have with un-civilization have come to light, more so, as I realized that I am becoming more withdrawn from humanity. I go to the park almost daily, but this is done before sun rise and just after. The few people that are there are usually regulars and I am comfortable with them. They are civil to others, always with a wave or a "good morning" and a smile. I have a few, very few, friends that I am comfortable around and, honestly, at times it is hard for me to be "out" with them. Sure, in an environment that they are in I can usually be at ease, but there are times when this is difficult. I know a lot of this is due to my illness, but I still do not enjoy the fact that I can't just go over and be at ease without worrying about a meltdown. I had a royal meltdown the other day. It took another day to recover from the pressure of people in this town. It is not just this town, it is any place where people are. The more I am around people, the less I want to be. Call it antisocial or label it another way, the fact is people suck. Not all, but most.
To those very few people that are civil and human, thank you.

A day with a princess and the royal family.

The beloved Meathead and I were kidnapped in the very wee hours of the morning yesterday, or, as some would say, in the night. As I was awake anyway I minded little. We were forced to endure the tortures of grilled foods and great company. Oh, what horrors we faced. Like troopers though, we did not back down nor did we ever give up! We consumed the meats, what MUST have been several pounds worth. My colon hates me but my tummy loves me for it!
the coversation was truly a nightmare, what with all the laughing and catching up. Once again, the horrors! OH!! And lets us never forget the nightmare of the , wait for it.......TICKLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAHHHHHHH!!!! The memories are too much!!!(SOB).
Ok, I've recovered, let us continue. The betrayal by my best buddy was almost too much when he failed to protect me from those wicked tickles, I'll not mention any names oh furry and tailed one....
There was, however, one enjoyable ray of light. One that helped me through the darkness of the great food and better friends, The Princess. AH yes, The Princess Emma! She and I, her Prince Kevin, the handsome, smart, strong, handsome, witty, handsome, brave, and did I mention handsome?, Prince Kevin, took on the evils of the world to save the innocent!!! We rode the length and breadth of the kingdom, fighting trolls, witches and care bears.... ok, maybe not care bears be we sure would have had any got in our way! We also befriended and learned about a certain large grasshopper. If you ask the Princess she will show you that this grasshopper was about a foot in length or more. We played with Ruby the dragon who stayed in my shirt pocket, we threw a ball at the beach. She and I constructed our castle, complete with a moat and draw bridge and towers. We stalked the elusive crickets in the wild, uncharted yard. We flew across and above the land, we sat , we walked holding hands, making small talk that only a four year old and an adult with the mind of a four year old can conjure. It was a wonderful day. There was a certain beautiful someone who was missing, but was with us in heart. My Queen.
Today the royal court travels to the wizard of the scalpel to tend to the king's leg. It was bitten off by a shark but is getting better. If he would have taken MY advice and rubbed salt in the gaping hole in his leg, it would be all healed today. So few people listen to my advice though, it's weird huh? At least he is getting better, although slower than if he would have listened to me and my extensive medical background. Salt and dirt does wonders!!
B and I are back in our cave now, the smell of cooking flesh still fresh in our nostrils and the feelings of arms around us in hugs fresh in our minds. This day, this cool Autumn day, will be long remembered.

A special morning at the park.

This morning was the sort of morning that poets dream about. It was cool, almost crisp, and clear. There was a light fog coming from the heavy dew on the grass. The stars were bright, so much so that you felt you could see into the future with them. There was the smell of late blooming flowers, so sweet it would make your teeth hurt to smell them. Soon, the sun started to lighten the sky and the birds awoke to sing the day awake. First the cardinals, then the jays and grackles. Then, as if on cue, all sorts started calling, announcing to the world that they were still alive. The geese and ducks glided across the surface of the calm water, fluffing their feathers and dipping their heads in the wet mirror that reflected and moved under them.
The sun crested above the tree line and colors exploded across the land B and I stood on. The squirrels, their cheeks stuffed with pecans and walnuts, ran up and down the trees, stowing them for the winter that is sure to come before long. The cool air is strong in our lungs. That slobbering beast beside me and I sat watching, peacefully, as the morning rituals of the those park animals took place.
We completed several revolutions of the parks' trail and, grudgingly, set about a very round-about way to the house were we sleep. While walking along the river to exit the park I noticed a very large bird swooping in to land on a branch. It was an unusual color that I noticed to be the dappling of a juvenile but had the four and a half foot wingspan of a bird a great deal larger than the native hawks. Curious, I dug out my binoculars and had a much closer gaze at the details of the youngster. As he, or she, was only 40 feet away or so, I had a nice look. A nice, long look. I watched as it flew off after a duck, an adult duck that looked so small next to it. Then another duck, and another. It hunted with the awkwardness of youth, but persistence of an adult. I took out my handy little bird book, the one with the photos, not drawings, of the birds. Sure enough it was in there, big as as the sun that rose only an hour before, a juvenile bald eagle! Right here in Stephenville at the city park. Possibly, likely, an early migrator to the North. Old enough to be on its own, young enough to not yet have found a mate. In any event, beautiful, like the rest of the morning spent with my constant companion, Bruno.

A mixed up mind or a confused coconut.

Being bi-polar often times sucks the ass. A smelly, hairy, greasy, zit-filled ass. Every night I get ready for bed and wonder who will wake up tomorrow. Will it be the neurotic, paranoid, can't-leave-the-room guy? The anal attentive neat freak cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush? (Not my toothbrush mind you!) Will i awake to the depressed lay-in bed-all-day guy? Or, the worst, the furious bastard that hates all things personality? I never know. What's worse is the length of time between these people varies. Could last a day, could last a couple of weeks. Personally, I prefer the manic, wild idiot, though even I get tired of this one. The constant chatter from my mouth and in my head that never seems to be connected to each other wears thin on my nerves, yet I cannot stop it. Some days I don't even notice what I'm doing...until I see the bank statement! If I have money, I often spend it without thinking. Impulsive purchasing on a budget larger than I have access to often bodes ill for me. Then again, when I start thinking of a purchase I will talk myself out of it.
Then there are the voices and noises. Oh what fun to go around all day looking for that fricking noise that eludes one all day! Or to keep looking to see if anyone else hears what I, or my mind, thinks it hears. Meds do help keep things manageable, most days. The best defense I currently have against tripping over the cliff of insanity is my dog, Bruno. I can always count on him to lighten things up. When anxiety clubs me in the head, he is right there to put his head under my hand to calm me down. When the "noises" become worse, I look at him to see if he is listening to something or someone to determine if we both hear it. Imagine if he heard things too! That would be funny as hell, sad, but funny! It has taken some adjustments, but he and I read each other pretty well and rely on each other for comfort and security. I think we are both better for it. He no longer a risk at being put down for lack of a home, I at a lesser risk for being put down due to lack of sanity. Make no mistake, I still lack sanity, I just cope better with it now. Or without it, depending on which side I look at. We, dare I say it, complete each other. That is so corny you could plant it, but it works. Together we are a little less un-complete. Besides, without my bed, where would he sleep?

The walk, again.

Once again I have been thinking, no dreaming, of "the walk". A walk-about as it is know in Aussie land. I mapped my route out of Texas to Northern New Mexico were I will be briefly before hitting Colorado and the Rocky Mountain trail to Canada. The Texas to N.M. is 157.5 miles or there about. If I can log 20 miles per day, that is only 2 miles per hour at 10 hours a day, I can be to my first destination in N.M. in about 8 days of travel. Add for unforeseen events and it could be 10 days or so. If I calculate for Bruno marking like he does then we will arrive in New Mexico in just under 8 YEARS! Just kidding Big B. We both pee every few steps, must be a dog thing. Anyway, 2 miles an hour is very doable for us as we average 3 to 4 on even terrain. Sure the days will be long, but interesting and of course there will be breaks for rest, grub, and just to look at things. The trail over the Rockies, if that is the path we travel, will take much longer due to the terrain and elevation but it is something I would love to do!
Some of the gear needed is pricey, emergency radio for weather reports, solar charging panel, and some camping gear to name a few things. Those can be purchased a little at a time due to lack of funding and e-bay is a wonderful thing for finding these things at reasonable rates. The thing I run into is lugging supplies. For myself it is no big issue, but for my dog owner, Bruno, it may just be an issue. I would need space for his food and they do not sell his brand of food in anything smaller than 30 pound bags. That is a lot of space! No way will that fit in my pack with all the other needed gear. I have considered a pull cart and this sounds like a keen idea....until the mountains. Then the trail is uneven at best and not exactly smooth. Tugging on a cart at that altitude and terrain might take a while. So now I must find a new idea. I could sure use some help brainstorming this problem. Any ideas that any of you have would be a great help....possibly. I know some of you and answers like storing the food in your bum may pop up. I have already thought of this and concluded that the food will NOT fit, thank you very much! It may also turn out that I must adjust our route to a more subdued trail avoiding the mountain paths for roads.
In any event I need to remove this chair from my duff and get B and I out the door for our morning hike. Can't get ready for the trip by eating chocolate and playing on this thing....DAMN!