Just Ramblings

It is raining,YES!! While I do enjoy a good wet it does prove a bit dull for the Bruno Dog. He will play in it, but not much. So we sit inside bopping around, He on the futon, I here with my Tazo Zen hot tea. Exciting, I know.
My meditation practice has been going well I believe and I enjoy it. I can open up to myself and be honest with myself without beating the crap out of myself mentally. I can observe feelings and emotions that arise inside of myself to better understand them. About the only problem that I have at times are my legs falling asleep after about 30 minuets and by the time the hour is up, I cannot feel one or both of them at all and must wait for the circulation to return so I can stand. Second is that my mind is like a squirrel, it's all over the place. I get distracted easily and often have trouble focusing on any given task at a time. Some sittings are better than others with the concentration, other times I spend an hour chasing my mind around. Give and take I guess. I enjoy the quiet, just sitting and letting things be. no worries for the moment, no task or appointments, just breathing and observing how things appear and disappear.
I would like to find a yoga class and start practicing some of that. I enjoy a good stretch, so long as I don't have to try to put my feet over my head or up my ass. I'm not near as flexible as I once was.
Well I have a whole day of not doing anything so I'd better get to it.

Humor in a graveyard.

This morning my human took me to the graveyard for a walk in the cool morning air. It is a nice change from the routine walks to the park as the smells are different and there are lots of trees to mark. It is relatively quiet considering it is at probably the busiest traffic area in town. There always seems to be a nice breeze blowing in the mornings and it is rare that there is anyone else around, living that is. Today the human saw some marking on a headstone that gave him a right chuckle. He told me it was funny, maybe it was, human-types can be weird. On the marker of the remains of one woman that lived to a mature age was carved the words " I tried broccoli and didn't like it." Some how this was funny to my human as he explained that most humans like to have there lives summed up in a few words on their markers. A testimony to their beliefs. I believe that this woman did not care much for broccoli.
Have a great Labor Day weekend and keep wagging your tails!

Belonging

The rains finally blew in and with them I've seemed to calm down.....a little. It is a unique sensation to awake with the smell and sound of rain and getting the first days' nice, long stretch and yawn in. Makes me want to go back to sleep just to awake all over again.
I was ask if I felt the way I described on my last post were I lived previously. I had to think and be honest with myself and the answer was 'yes'. I have never felt as if I truly belong anywhere except out in the "wild". The forests and woods help to provide me with a sense of calmness. In the quiet, natural sounds I can think. My head quiets and I feel at ease and peaceful. Among nature and with animals I feel as if I belong. As if it is my "place" to be out there.
One reason that I am aware of is out there I cannot hurt anyone. Nature expects little and I know what to expect of it, the unexpected! I understand nature and animals, it's humans I cannot grasp.
This is through no fault in others. I have been made to feel most welcome among my close circle of friends. They are more family than friends and I love them dearly. However, I have always felt as if I were intruding, a burden and in the way. I have felt comfortable for short periods but never at..home. The feeling is even worse in public or in towns. Most of the time when I am around large crowds I get angry and aggressive. The noises and smells of the people start to close in on me, to suffocate me. I start feeling the need to escape, to lash out and yell "Stay away"!! "Don't fucking touch me"!! and "Shut up"!! I feel the anxiety building in me now as I type this. Just the thought of a mass of stinking, noisy bodies pressing in on me starts to obscure and cloud my thinking. Logic slips away and I picture myself striking them, trying to get out.
Wow, That guy is screwed up! I fear that I will become violent again. That is part of my life I have tried to keep behind me. I have injured enough people, physically and emotionally, to last a life time. And it always seems that I do so to those I care most about. You know who you are and, sadly, so do I. It is a heavy weight on myself and others to know that I will eventually break down and lash out mindlessly again. This is no "poor me" type crap, just simple truth. I am constantly taking steps to try and remedy this, but like most important things with overcoming negative self ideals and beliefs and habits, it is a most difficult task. But no matter how many times the rocks of reality start to slide on the mountain of life, I will continue to climb until I reach the top. What else can I do but continue? I know no other way. Not giving up, no matter how much I wish to, cannot be an option again. i always think, just one more sunrise. One more morning listening to the birds sing and watching the squirrels play. One more deep breath. Breathing, that is key.
Always remember, Just breathe.

Slogging Ever Onward, But To What?

Bruno and I go for walks and jogging almost every morning. We mark our territory, check out any new smells, and enjoy being outside among the birds, squirrels and other animals. There is no better way for us to begin our day than to have the wind in our faces stretching our legs. As of late it is not the motivation to go for that outing that I search for each morning, it is gathering the resolve to return. As soon as we cross the bridge at the park to return to the house, we step back into the world of Man and the smell, no, STENCH of pollution from cars and the ever crushing noise of people going everywhere and nowhere at the same time. At the park, the morning joggers/walkers greet each other with "Good mornings" and "Hellos". Outside of the park, it is all about the self and rushing to do those all important task that requires people to be rude and nasty to each other. Is there a manner barrier that surrounds the park and ends the moment one leaves it's borders? I actually look forward to greeting those regulars out to torture themselves for health and those I have yet to get to know at the park. Why does my attitude towards people change when I leave? Yes, I too am guilty of using the manners barrier of the parks confines. What changes for me? I still say hello and good morning, but it feels different. Forced, almost, and uncomfortable. I am not sure what changes in them or me, but I will search for the answers to this mystery.
As for the return to the house and the world of Man, I turn around and slog ever onward, but to what?

that hopeless feeling.

I'm going to piss and moan and whine and display a "poor me" attitude, you may want to move on to something more uplifting or productive. You have been warned.
I spent the better part of yesterday searching for a place to call "home". I have been looking in the Pacific Northwest; Oregon, Washington and Idaho and Montana as well. Without physically visiting these places it does little good to do so, but I continue none the less. It's called insanity, apparently I've caught it from these humans here on Earth. I then tried to work on a budget to save money for traveling and the move as I do have some places narrowed down for a home site, the cost will not be staggering. Although it may as fucking well be. No vehicle to travel with means the purchase of transportation of some sort. Be it permanent, rental, or public. A rental is unreasonable in the cost department. A plane, train, bus, of crate to mail myself in means a return trip (possibly) for the crap I want to move with me. There are options, such as mailing the said crap to said location after acquiring residents, that I still have yet to ponder. A car, truck or van; can I afford one? No. I could make payments, possibly, but with little or no down payment, options a stark at the sunniest. Then there is the task of living arrangements. I don't necessarily require a structured house to live in, a tent would do just fine thanks. This requires a place to throw said camp. The pioneering spirit is not so much alive in that you can simply set up were you stop in this time period, at least not easily in this country. That means finding land to live on. It begins to spiral into a chaotic morass at this point and I can feel myself begining to become very un-zen. The situation has in fact, shat upon my happy cloud.
Al I would like is to live in some wilderness place where I can be left to my thoughts. A place where I can hear no traffic or the absolute minimum of human activity. A place where I can SEE the night sky and not just a few clouds! Someplace where night time is *GASP* dark! A place where I can witness the changes of seasons and the living, natural world. I want to breathe and not inhale combustive pollution. I want water that is clean. All I want is to be able to LIVE and not to simply exist. Countless hurdles arise keeping from this. My dream is actually a nightmare in that I cannot obtain it.
I swear people, I am this fucking close (pinches fingers together herd enough to bring blood), to walking the fuck out of here THIS WEEKEND! I have had it with so called humanity and can do without it. Humanity has lost it's humane ability. And I have lost patience and my mind.....ok, not sure I ever had much of that last bit, but still! I am about to search for carts or even a wheel barrel to lug the needed dog food and water That B and I will need to walk ...well, away. To just go. I am so very close to a "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm OUT!" moment. All I must do now is overcome this hopeless, overwhelming moment that a lot of us have these days.
O.k., now, to inhale, exhale, and continue onward!

Morning Zen

As of late I have been sleeping VERY little, if at all. I complain much about it but that does no good. Sleep has never been kind to me. I will often go several days to a week on just a few hours rest. It can be exhausting and I dislike sleeping pills, or any frikin' pills for that matter, so I sleep little. Usually I crash hard for 5 or 6 hours a week, sleeping an hour or two in a stretch without waking. That's another issue, I wake up of and on all night. About once every half hour. But I'm not complaining today, there is a plus side to getting frustrated with trying to sleep and getting out of bed at 3 a.m. There is NO ONE at the park at 4:30 in the morning! B and I have it all to ourselves until about 5:30 and sometimes 6. Even then it is just a very few people and B and I know them as "regulars". Some are there with their dogs, others to be alone and walk without a lot of noise and people. I enjoy those before sunrise walks because I can let Bruno off leash and run around freely. It is not that he is a problem, quite the opposite, he is incredibly well mannered when I'm with him. It is that some of the park goers are intimidated by his size. I find it silly as I consider him a medium sized dog. He is only just over 80 pounds. I once had a half old English mastiff, half saint Bernard that was over 200 pounds. He was a big dog. But, people, most of the time, cannot judge the weight of a dog and think that B is a massive monster of a beast. Those that know him know he is a lap dog....literally!
This morning we were up again before Jesus and farmers so our walk was another quiet one. The moon was almost full and the sky was clear with stars shinning bright. The temp. was not too bad, in the upper 70's and it was quiet. The trail at the park was dark but we know it well. All the bends and curves, the best trees to pee on, ( I'll not say if it is B or I doing the peeing) and the best places to watch the squirrels awaken. When the sun did finally make it appearance, the sky took on a shade of blue that I have seen none too often. The kind of blue that only comes with early mornings. The kind of colour that it is as if you have never seen blue before. The reason for this wonderful sky was not anything different in the atmosphere, it was me. The way I looked at it. I took time and really SAW the sky, the clouds slowly swimming by, the orange from the sun. All of this can be seen on any given day, but today, today I sat still and really looked. It was sort of a meditation on the sky. Now, I could be loopy from a major lack of sleep as of late, but this was profound to me. How many of we humans really take some time just to look at something? And not just to look, but to SEE? The sky, for all of my life anyway, has always been there, right above me. So why do I stop to take note of it so little? Night is different, there are stars and planets and I often sit and gaze at that, but not the day sky. I don't mean sitting a staring at the sun, like me naked, it can blind you if you gaze at it too long.
I have come to think of our early morning walks as 'morning zen'. A time to think and just be. After we walk a couple of miles, we sit and rest, rehydrate and await the sun. This is the best time of the whole day for me. Just B and I, sitting. Feeling the breath enter and leave my body, being cooled by sweat and a breeze. Watching the squirrels and birds go about being squirrels and birds and just being a part of it all. Of life. Of something bigger than us all, bigger than this little planet. Bigger than our egos and worries, bigger than our anger and resentment. Perhaps this is a bit of peace. A little time to yourself, outside of yourself to connect to everything and to try to be a bit more tolerant of others.

Sleep and rain.

I have been having difficulty sleeping since I was young. Insomnia, can be a bitch, as many of you know. I was taking sleeping pills and they helped a little from time to time but I haven't taken any in several months. I simply don't enjoy being reliant on pills ....or anything else for that matter, I suppose. Finally I was able to get more than an hours rest last night, or early this morning depending on how you look at such things. I'm not sure if it was the brief rain we received or that B chased off the squirrels in my head, or both, but I got some sleep. That always feels nice.
B and I have been on few walks indeed this past week due to the heat and humidity. He still takes some time to recover from the heat and the jogs and walks are a bit much for him by the time we get back to the house. I worry so I have been taking it easy on him. Besides, I am no big fan of hot ass weather as a constant. The sunlight and my medication don't exactly groove together pleasantly. While I can use the treadmill, he isn't a big fan of it. I worry about him getting bored, and I can see that he does! He is a bright K-9 and needs stimulation. Sure, I have toys and chew treats and such, but even those grow old after a while. You can only rotate the toys and treats so much before he's bored again. Oh, make no mistake, he would lie around and munch on things all day! There are too many calories for that though, I am trying to keep him fit and get us both back into shape. Rawhide is no good and wouldn't last long with him in any event, so I have some chews from the vet. with enzymes to help with a healthy mouth. Still, boredom seems an issue. If any of you have any ideas, let me know. We have always started our walks before sunrise but lately the humidity has been a factor with him. We go outside several times a day to play briefly then it's back in to cool off. I have a wading pool for the dogs but he is not a water dog type, per say. He will play in it very little, even at the lake. Hopefully by this time next year we will be in cooler climes up north.
As for that, I have also started looking into moving to Oregon or Washington and not just Idaho, as to give me more options. I seek rain, mountains and forest away from large groups of people and big shitties....I mean cities! So the hunt remains on for just such a place. It will happen, it will just take some research and travel and I am up for that!
I have been rethinking taking the walk with B. I'm not sure he will be up for it so soon, or ever. The verdict on his age is still out. Adult, young-ish. That's about all we know. He has had a rough year and it will take some time before he is recovered fully, he may surprise me yet though.
Until next time, may you all be licked in the face by a puppy!