that hopeless feeling.

I'm going to piss and moan and whine and display a "poor me" attitude, you may want to move on to something more uplifting or productive. You have been warned.
I spent the better part of yesterday searching for a place to call "home". I have been looking in the Pacific Northwest; Oregon, Washington and Idaho and Montana as well. Without physically visiting these places it does little good to do so, but I continue none the less. It's called insanity, apparently I've caught it from these humans here on Earth. I then tried to work on a budget to save money for traveling and the move as I do have some places narrowed down for a home site, the cost will not be staggering. Although it may as fucking well be. No vehicle to travel with means the purchase of transportation of some sort. Be it permanent, rental, or public. A rental is unreasonable in the cost department. A plane, train, bus, of crate to mail myself in means a return trip (possibly) for the crap I want to move with me. There are options, such as mailing the said crap to said location after acquiring residents, that I still have yet to ponder. A car, truck or van; can I afford one? No. I could make payments, possibly, but with little or no down payment, options a stark at the sunniest. Then there is the task of living arrangements. I don't necessarily require a structured house to live in, a tent would do just fine thanks. This requires a place to throw said camp. The pioneering spirit is not so much alive in that you can simply set up were you stop in this time period, at least not easily in this country. That means finding land to live on. It begins to spiral into a chaotic morass at this point and I can feel myself begining to become very un-zen. The situation has in fact, shat upon my happy cloud.
Al I would like is to live in some wilderness place where I can be left to my thoughts. A place where I can hear no traffic or the absolute minimum of human activity. A place where I can SEE the night sky and not just a few clouds! Someplace where night time is *GASP* dark! A place where I can witness the changes of seasons and the living, natural world. I want to breathe and not inhale combustive pollution. I want water that is clean. All I want is to be able to LIVE and not to simply exist. Countless hurdles arise keeping from this. My dream is actually a nightmare in that I cannot obtain it.
I swear people, I am this fucking close (pinches fingers together herd enough to bring blood), to walking the fuck out of here THIS WEEKEND! I have had it with so called humanity and can do without it. Humanity has lost it's humane ability. And I have lost patience and my mind.....ok, not sure I ever had much of that last bit, but still! I am about to search for carts or even a wheel barrel to lug the needed dog food and water That B and I will need to walk ...well, away. To just go. I am so very close to a "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm OUT!" moment. All I must do now is overcome this hopeless, overwhelming moment that a lot of us have these days.
O.k., now, to inhale, exhale, and continue onward!