Belonging

The rains finally blew in and with them I've seemed to calm down.....a little. It is a unique sensation to awake with the smell and sound of rain and getting the first days' nice, long stretch and yawn in. Makes me want to go back to sleep just to awake all over again.
I was ask if I felt the way I described on my last post were I lived previously. I had to think and be honest with myself and the answer was 'yes'. I have never felt as if I truly belong anywhere except out in the "wild". The forests and woods help to provide me with a sense of calmness. In the quiet, natural sounds I can think. My head quiets and I feel at ease and peaceful. Among nature and with animals I feel as if I belong. As if it is my "place" to be out there.
One reason that I am aware of is out there I cannot hurt anyone. Nature expects little and I know what to expect of it, the unexpected! I understand nature and animals, it's humans I cannot grasp.
This is through no fault in others. I have been made to feel most welcome among my close circle of friends. They are more family than friends and I love them dearly. However, I have always felt as if I were intruding, a burden and in the way. I have felt comfortable for short periods but never at..home. The feeling is even worse in public or in towns. Most of the time when I am around large crowds I get angry and aggressive. The noises and smells of the people start to close in on me, to suffocate me. I start feeling the need to escape, to lash out and yell "Stay away"!! "Don't fucking touch me"!! and "Shut up"!! I feel the anxiety building in me now as I type this. Just the thought of a mass of stinking, noisy bodies pressing in on me starts to obscure and cloud my thinking. Logic slips away and I picture myself striking them, trying to get out.
Wow, That guy is screwed up! I fear that I will become violent again. That is part of my life I have tried to keep behind me. I have injured enough people, physically and emotionally, to last a life time. And it always seems that I do so to those I care most about. You know who you are and, sadly, so do I. It is a heavy weight on myself and others to know that I will eventually break down and lash out mindlessly again. This is no "poor me" type crap, just simple truth. I am constantly taking steps to try and remedy this, but like most important things with overcoming negative self ideals and beliefs and habits, it is a most difficult task. But no matter how many times the rocks of reality start to slide on the mountain of life, I will continue to climb until I reach the top. What else can I do but continue? I know no other way. Not giving up, no matter how much I wish to, cannot be an option again. i always think, just one more sunrise. One more morning listening to the birds sing and watching the squirrels play. One more deep breath. Breathing, that is key.
Always remember, Just breathe.