that hopeless feeling.

I'm going to piss and moan and whine and display a "poor me" attitude, you may want to move on to something more uplifting or productive. You have been warned.
I spent the better part of yesterday searching for a place to call "home". I have been looking in the Pacific Northwest; Oregon, Washington and Idaho and Montana as well. Without physically visiting these places it does little good to do so, but I continue none the less. It's called insanity, apparently I've caught it from these humans here on Earth. I then tried to work on a budget to save money for traveling and the move as I do have some places narrowed down for a home site, the cost will not be staggering. Although it may as fucking well be. No vehicle to travel with means the purchase of transportation of some sort. Be it permanent, rental, or public. A rental is unreasonable in the cost department. A plane, train, bus, of crate to mail myself in means a return trip (possibly) for the crap I want to move with me. There are options, such as mailing the said crap to said location after acquiring residents, that I still have yet to ponder. A car, truck or van; can I afford one? No. I could make payments, possibly, but with little or no down payment, options a stark at the sunniest. Then there is the task of living arrangements. I don't necessarily require a structured house to live in, a tent would do just fine thanks. This requires a place to throw said camp. The pioneering spirit is not so much alive in that you can simply set up were you stop in this time period, at least not easily in this country. That means finding land to live on. It begins to spiral into a chaotic morass at this point and I can feel myself begining to become very un-zen. The situation has in fact, shat upon my happy cloud.
Al I would like is to live in some wilderness place where I can be left to my thoughts. A place where I can hear no traffic or the absolute minimum of human activity. A place where I can SEE the night sky and not just a few clouds! Someplace where night time is *GASP* dark! A place where I can witness the changes of seasons and the living, natural world. I want to breathe and not inhale combustive pollution. I want water that is clean. All I want is to be able to LIVE and not to simply exist. Countless hurdles arise keeping from this. My dream is actually a nightmare in that I cannot obtain it.
I swear people, I am this fucking close (pinches fingers together herd enough to bring blood), to walking the fuck out of here THIS WEEKEND! I have had it with so called humanity and can do without it. Humanity has lost it's humane ability. And I have lost patience and my mind.....ok, not sure I ever had much of that last bit, but still! I am about to search for carts or even a wheel barrel to lug the needed dog food and water That B and I will need to walk ...well, away. To just go. I am so very close to a "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm OUT!" moment. All I must do now is overcome this hopeless, overwhelming moment that a lot of us have these days.
O.k., now, to inhale, exhale, and continue onward!

Morning Zen

As of late I have been sleeping VERY little, if at all. I complain much about it but that does no good. Sleep has never been kind to me. I will often go several days to a week on just a few hours rest. It can be exhausting and I dislike sleeping pills, or any frikin' pills for that matter, so I sleep little. Usually I crash hard for 5 or 6 hours a week, sleeping an hour or two in a stretch without waking. That's another issue, I wake up of and on all night. About once every half hour. But I'm not complaining today, there is a plus side to getting frustrated with trying to sleep and getting out of bed at 3 a.m. There is NO ONE at the park at 4:30 in the morning! B and I have it all to ourselves until about 5:30 and sometimes 6. Even then it is just a very few people and B and I know them as "regulars". Some are there with their dogs, others to be alone and walk without a lot of noise and people. I enjoy those before sunrise walks because I can let Bruno off leash and run around freely. It is not that he is a problem, quite the opposite, he is incredibly well mannered when I'm with him. It is that some of the park goers are intimidated by his size. I find it silly as I consider him a medium sized dog. He is only just over 80 pounds. I once had a half old English mastiff, half saint Bernard that was over 200 pounds. He was a big dog. But, people, most of the time, cannot judge the weight of a dog and think that B is a massive monster of a beast. Those that know him know he is a lap dog....literally!
This morning we were up again before Jesus and farmers so our walk was another quiet one. The moon was almost full and the sky was clear with stars shinning bright. The temp. was not too bad, in the upper 70's and it was quiet. The trail at the park was dark but we know it well. All the bends and curves, the best trees to pee on, ( I'll not say if it is B or I doing the peeing) and the best places to watch the squirrels awaken. When the sun did finally make it appearance, the sky took on a shade of blue that I have seen none too often. The kind of blue that only comes with early mornings. The kind of colour that it is as if you have never seen blue before. The reason for this wonderful sky was not anything different in the atmosphere, it was me. The way I looked at it. I took time and really SAW the sky, the clouds slowly swimming by, the orange from the sun. All of this can be seen on any given day, but today, today I sat still and really looked. It was sort of a meditation on the sky. Now, I could be loopy from a major lack of sleep as of late, but this was profound to me. How many of we humans really take some time just to look at something? And not just to look, but to SEE? The sky, for all of my life anyway, has always been there, right above me. So why do I stop to take note of it so little? Night is different, there are stars and planets and I often sit and gaze at that, but not the day sky. I don't mean sitting a staring at the sun, like me naked, it can blind you if you gaze at it too long.
I have come to think of our early morning walks as 'morning zen'. A time to think and just be. After we walk a couple of miles, we sit and rest, rehydrate and await the sun. This is the best time of the whole day for me. Just B and I, sitting. Feeling the breath enter and leave my body, being cooled by sweat and a breeze. Watching the squirrels and birds go about being squirrels and birds and just being a part of it all. Of life. Of something bigger than us all, bigger than this little planet. Bigger than our egos and worries, bigger than our anger and resentment. Perhaps this is a bit of peace. A little time to yourself, outside of yourself to connect to everything and to try to be a bit more tolerant of others.

Sleep and rain.

I have been having difficulty sleeping since I was young. Insomnia, can be a bitch, as many of you know. I was taking sleeping pills and they helped a little from time to time but I haven't taken any in several months. I simply don't enjoy being reliant on pills ....or anything else for that matter, I suppose. Finally I was able to get more than an hours rest last night, or early this morning depending on how you look at such things. I'm not sure if it was the brief rain we received or that B chased off the squirrels in my head, or both, but I got some sleep. That always feels nice.
B and I have been on few walks indeed this past week due to the heat and humidity. He still takes some time to recover from the heat and the jogs and walks are a bit much for him by the time we get back to the house. I worry so I have been taking it easy on him. Besides, I am no big fan of hot ass weather as a constant. The sunlight and my medication don't exactly groove together pleasantly. While I can use the treadmill, he isn't a big fan of it. I worry about him getting bored, and I can see that he does! He is a bright K-9 and needs stimulation. Sure, I have toys and chew treats and such, but even those grow old after a while. You can only rotate the toys and treats so much before he's bored again. Oh, make no mistake, he would lie around and munch on things all day! There are too many calories for that though, I am trying to keep him fit and get us both back into shape. Rawhide is no good and wouldn't last long with him in any event, so I have some chews from the vet. with enzymes to help with a healthy mouth. Still, boredom seems an issue. If any of you have any ideas, let me know. We have always started our walks before sunrise but lately the humidity has been a factor with him. We go outside several times a day to play briefly then it's back in to cool off. I have a wading pool for the dogs but he is not a water dog type, per say. He will play in it very little, even at the lake. Hopefully by this time next year we will be in cooler climes up north.
As for that, I have also started looking into moving to Oregon or Washington and not just Idaho, as to give me more options. I seek rain, mountains and forest away from large groups of people and big shitties....I mean cities! So the hunt remains on for just such a place. It will happen, it will just take some research and travel and I am up for that!
I have been rethinking taking the walk with B. I'm not sure he will be up for it so soon, or ever. The verdict on his age is still out. Adult, young-ish. That's about all we know. He has had a rough year and it will take some time before he is recovered fully, he may surprise me yet though.
Until next time, may you all be licked in the face by a puppy!

Still alive...as of now.

Bruno and I are still living and trying to let others live without getting in the way. So far, not so bad. We are still exercising and I am still loosing weight, slowly. We did a little yard work the other morning and it looks nice out back. We worked until I grew tired of tripping over damned souls and finally ask one what the hell was going on. It replied that Satan was tossing the damned up to Texas, it was hotter up here! Then came the wonderful little thunderstorm and rain that cooled and watered us. And apparently was the signal for the mosquitoes to come out and devour humans. I suppose they have to eat too. Diet seems such a small thing to dislike one creature over. I try to let them be, in return they offer me malaria. But even in the full-on daytime, the buzzing vampires stay hidden. Texas can burn the wings off a vulture in the summer. B stays cool by laying on the couch in front of the fan, not a bad idea, if I could get him to scooch over!
Big B is a full-fledged service pooch now, with badges and all. He does still dislike the vest though, but he is realising that it means he can go anywhere that I go and that helps us both.
Do you think that snakes ever get a back ache?
Can worms get worms?
I don't want to be anywhere near an elephant with a cold. When it blows it's nose it will be nuclear.
Dog heaven is, in fact, also cat hell.
What do termites use to pick their teeth with?
Keep cool and try to share a fan, it's cooler that way.